inner voice

you say I'm pathetic…delusional
you mock my attempts at change
you say I'm weak…I'm spineless
coward afraid to face who I really am

you say I'm selfish
that I only care bout myself
and my own needs
you say I never try enough
that I always give up
that I always revert back
to who I am at my core
a failure
a disappointment
a waste of potential

your voice…my voice
echoes in my head on mornins like this
unrelentin
naggin me
draggin me down

I flipped back thru some of my journals
over the last year
lookin for somethin to shut you up
anythin to make you see
how fuckin wrong you are

and all I find is…you're right
I am all of those things
they're all still part of who I am
they haven't magically disappeared
I am not a different man
not really…not at all

but who I am
was never really the problem
was it?
the problem was how I handled it
how I let those parts of who I am consume me
I couldn't outrun them
I couldn't drown them
I couldn't numb them
and tryin only made them worse

even with all the fightin
stumblin
fallin flat on my face
and gettin back up again
I'm not a new man
but maybe I am a better one

I am stronger…more resilient
I know myself better
I know how to handle myself easier
I've fought like hell
for every inch of progress
for every moment of clarity

you've thrown this shit at me
over and over
you've thrown punches
kicked me when I'm down
done your damnedest
to make sure that I stay down

but every time…
I get back up

so yeah…
I am all of those things
but one thing is for certain
I ain't no bitch