The pearl

Perpetual moments of smoulder fills my vessel with a constant smoke. The grey behind this vision is murky with obscure sediment smothering my perception. Sadness, despair; an excursion of amplified impression. I am justified in this plunder of mirth that was once the foundation that soothed me.

In loneliness, my mind had become valiant with austerity. I was the stern that upended the bow. I was the silence in the lighthouse on temperate nights. I was the heckle in the crowd at your theatre plays. I could be anyone then, so long as I was dismissive. I was callous and hardened; as fragmental as a broken vase. I cut deeper than a glass shard. Tread deeper than a fresh scar. I was tainted by the cinders that stifle this breadth of curative alignment. I once plagued your photographs with noise; incognito with a subtle staining. But I was there and I was emptied.

These moments are sticky; adhering to my empathy like a lost tooth. Too long I’d smothered myself with the admonishment of the judgmental, taking onus of their verdict with a lump in my throat. And never is it soothing to the eye. Never clear. Feels tense in my chest. I want so desperately to be authentic. I want this chip on my shoulder to mend.

I was mindful of this distraction; wandering alone in their impression of me. To be both admired and despised in the same breath; overlooked by strangers in their permissive shrouds. And closing myself to the scold offered minimal retraction. I’ve grown to be hardened. I will not offer up my spirit to be the content of conversation. I will not decorate a single quip to be misconstrued. The thought indulges my grit like a wetland moss; fermenting with the spoils of life into a strangling odour that clenches your throat. I am empowered by its reach.

Though, in this life thus far, I’ve been guilted with what hasn't been given; with a strength that has yet to be risen. I’ve tended this garden to be riddled with weeds, purging life from the roses. In time, I will do the work of the sages and parallel my wit with contentment. I will maintain my rise like the waves in an arch. I will find my shine in the starkest of shades. A life I will protect like the oyster as a womb for this jewel. I will ripen like a pearl and adorn this vessel with an opulence that withers the lie that I will be forgotten