Food

I don't know how it happened.
All I know is that I found release.
Food
A veritable frenemy.
Love the taste and textures of certain foods
Comfort found in the melange.
But fear consumes me as a stare at all the food in the cupboard, in the fridge.
Do I have enough?
What if I eat it all?
Hate and self revulsion
the textures and taste has betrayed me
I have eaten way too much
Now I have to get rid of the problem
pain from feeling way too full
time to throw up
rid myself of the excess
purge the pain inside
whats a little more?
fear again as i see the blood in the toilet
have i over done it?
my secret
i don't ever want it to come to light

My fear, my pain, my obsession
I look in the mirror.
Who am I?
Am I just this person who is so preoccupied with food?
Am I weak for giving in again?
Am I strong enough?
I am tired.
I fight. I win. I lose.
Food is my friend.
Food is my enemy.
Food is my obsession.
Food is my fear.
I am afraid of how much I love food.
I am afraid of eating too much. yet i am also afraid of going without food.
living on the edge a ledge without any safety nets

getting tired of the endless cycle
but where is the help? the support?
i feel so alone in this fight for my life.
my health all messed up
disordered eating is all i know
is it really time to step away from this comfort that's killing me?