Devour

For as long as I can remember Ive been sick in my head
I lay in my bed
Wondering why I'm not dead
I try to push ahead
But Im running in place
Getting nowhere and its broken my faith

No matter what happens or how good a moment might be
There's always a feeling thats hopeless in me
Unable to see
A way that I can be free
Drowning in the deepest abyss
But the thought of no longer living is giving me bliss

My daughter said there's something wrong in my head
Cuz my brain isn't supposed to wanna be dead
Im trying to listen to the wisdom in the words that she said
But I'm making up excuses instead
There's people here for me and I know that they care
But at the end of the day, when i go home they aren't there

Its just me and these four walls and it's wearing me thin
I got the devil staring at me and hes wearing a grin
The way that I'm feeling lately i just might let him win
Death is knocking at the door and i just might let him in
Cuz what I been doing, it isn't living at all
The last time I felt true happiness I can't even recall

Its just the same fucking day that plays out on repeat
No matter what I gain I still feel incomplete
Even when I win it still feels like defeat
Living with hope has become obsolete
From the way that I'm talking it might seem strange
I hate the way I'm living but I still won't change

Im addicted to the misery and all of the pain
I don't know how to say it cuz it's hard to explain
If I let go of the suffering what would remain?
If I turn my back on the darkness what would I gain?
Positive thoughts and the light just makes me feel fake
The discomfort is a feeling that I just can't take

I've been living in the darkness for most of my days
The harder I work against it, the more that it stays
When I block it out I'm overcome with malaise
Like pouring gas on a spark and creating a blaze
I want it to consume me and devour me whole
Until there's nothing that remains, not even my soul