deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lying on my Back Looking at Stars
Green sea
Carries my
Frail form
On tides
Without
End.
Up and down,
I lay
On the swells
Perilously
Close
First to
The heavens
Then hell.
Each rise
Is meteoric,
Intensely
Amazing.
Each fall
Is cataclysmic,
Depressing,
Crushing.
But I look
Up always,
At the
Sky
Arranged in
Brilliant
Detail
Just for me.
Carries my
Frail form
On tides
Without
End.
Up and down,
I lay
On the swells
Perilously
Close
First to
The heavens
Then hell.
Each rise
Is meteoric,
Intensely
Amazing.
Each fall
Is cataclysmic,
Depressing,
Crushing.
But I look
Up always,
At the
Sky
Arranged in
Brilliant
Detail
Just for me.
Published 21st Feb 2010
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18th Feb 2012 5:24am
I like the word usage and the fluidity of it all, as well as the general brevity. Still, though, I don't feel entirely convinced or moved. I don't really think it's sufficiently awe inspiring; you introduced it using water as an indirect influence, than cited the "good and bad" without too much taste, and ended it without considerable brilliance, but it works.
You've got some great examples of romantic/expressionist writing, but it needs to be everywhere in the poem; it needs to BE the poem! That's just my take, bro.
You've got some great examples of romantic/expressionist writing, but it needs to be everywhere in the poem; it needs to BE the poem! That's just my take, bro.
