I AM SOMETHING

I wish my life panned out better
I wish I would've gotten my wins sooner
I wish that my grandmother never died
That I could still talk to her when I'm down
I wish I still had her wisdom to get me by
I wish she saw me win
I wish my family never broke apart afterwards
I wish we would've regrouped and went forwards
I wish there wasn't animosity brewing
I wish I wouldn't done better in life
That I would have never gotten my heart broken
I wish I would've healed quicker
That life wouldn't been easier on me
I wish I never knew pain like I do today
That I would've stayed logical and practical
I wish my friends were still around
That we'd also still have our heads in the clouds
That we'd all go out one last time
That I wasn't the one left behind
That I didn't feel so forgetten
That thing's would've panned out better for me
I wish I didn't feel the way I feel right now
But even though it isn't the case I feel worthless

I feel like I don't matter
That so far my life has been nothing but a failure

There's something I really don't like about these feelings

So really I have nothing
I am nothing
And after I rest something will be done

I'm so sorry that it took me so long to just get it
That for a while I felt lost
That I had to disappear just to gather the pieces back
I'm not fully healed
I think some pieces will never be found
Still I have so much to make up for

I am grateful for my dreams
They brought me back when I was out
I have had to rebuild
One step at a time
One person at a time
And this time
Taking my time
I am rebuilding a lot

Rebuilding my esteem
Rebuilding my confidence
Rebuilding my reputation
Rebuilding my aura and presence

You see I have tasted so many loses
That I am hungry for something different

There is still some shame in not getting it right the first time
Or the second time
And not even the third time
But a lot of receipts are being printed now
It's time to pay the piper

Never forget that I am fundamentally a winner

Even though it has been delayed
This aspect of my life is inevitable

None of my wishes will ever come true
Because that is my past
Those are the scars that I bare
That is true of me whether I accept it or not

I have never believed in fate or destiny
Yes I use the words but the concept
Annoys me because then there is no use to life being lived
There is no point in trying
If it will all amount to nothing
But a concept that drives us
Like we are just gears in a machine
Only compelled to spin one way
It defeats the reason for our will
Nothing is destined
Because nothing is guaranteed

All we can do is our very best
All we can do is decide our own fate
All we can do is fight for something better
All we can do is overcome

All I can do is start over a plethora of times
Until I get it right
Because there may be no fate or destiny but hard work cannot be denied

It's going to take a bit more time
But I am coming for Everything