deepundergroundpoetry.com
WHOSE MISTAKE?
WHOSE MISTAKE?
My eyes have asked a little boy
who wept silently by a wall
why he is hiding secret tears
that let those he loves see his grief.
They kindly ask about the cause
and give him some consoling words.
He'll feel all right, and it will pass
with smiles that give the sweet repose.
His eyes rejoin, it's his mistake.
His marks at school are bad and those
he loves expect the best from him.
His hardest work gives no delight.
He works so hard, not to be proud,
but please those dear who are around.
He loves them much and wants them glad
when they perceive their son is grand.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
________________________________
My eyes have asked a little boy
who wept silently by a wall
why he is hiding secret tears
that let those he loves see his grief.
They kindly ask about the cause
and give him some consoling words.
He'll feel all right, and it will pass
with smiles that give the sweet repose.
His eyes rejoin, it's his mistake.
His marks at school are bad and those
he loves expect the best from him.
His hardest work gives no delight.
He works so hard, not to be proud,
but please those dear who are around.
He loves them much and wants them glad
when they perceive their son is grand.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
________________________________
Published 31st Aug 2023
| Edited 4th Sep 2023
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 108
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
31st Aug 2023 5:31pm
31st Aug 2023 8:31pm
4th Sep 2023 4:01pm
4th Sep 2023 4:13pm
I fail to see that there is anything "great" about this work. It is sloppily written and it cannot, let alone does not, answer the question that its title poses not only because it never makes clear what the "mistake" actually is (getting bad grades is not a mistake) not gives us multiple candidates (as the title implies it will) to whom the blame for making this unspecified mistake is to be assigned.
“My eyes have asked a lttle boy”
leaving aside the question of whether eyes ask questions
it’s “little” not lttle
“who wept silently by a wall”
If, as your first line indicates, you were intent t to cast your lines in iambs, you’ve screwed things up here because the line scans
who WEPT/ SI lent/ly BY/ a WALL
To be medically consistent, you should have written along the lines of
"who wept so silently beside a wall"
And if you meant to write in trochees, it’s also poorly written. It scans
WHO wept/ SI lent/ ly BY/ a WALL .
“why he is hiding secret tears
that let those he loves see his grief?[sic}
Since this is a **statement** of what your eyes did, the question mark at the end of the line is inappropriate and another example of your frequent misuse of punctuation.
And if you intended to produce an iambic line, this is poorly written. It scans
that LET/ THOSE HE/ LOVES SEE/ his GRIEF
and if the tears were silent, how could they be seen?
“They kindly ask about the cause”
and give him some consoling words
“He'll feel all right, and it will pass”
What is the “it” mentioned here?
“with smiles that give the sweet repose”.
“The sweet repose” is deixis.
Did you mean “give him sweet repose”?
Otherwise, you are saying that"grief will pass accompanied by smiles.
“His eyes rejoin”,
What were his eyes separated from?
“ it's his mistake”.
What is his mistake? His grief?
“His marks at school are bad and those
he loves expect the best from him.
His hardest work give no rejoice.’
“Rejoice” is a verb, not a noun. It is something one does.And “his work give” is a solecism. “Work” is singular, so your line should read “his work gives”.
“He works so hard, not to be proud,
but please [sic] those dear [sic] who are around. [?]
“To please” “those near and dear to him”
The logic of your claim is that he feels no need, and has no desire, to please those who are far away from him.
“He loves them much and want [sic] them glad”
Since the subject of this line is “he”, “: want them” is another solecism. To be grammatically correct, you should have written “he ... wants”.
Apart from all of these examples of bad prosody and sloppy writing, your text makes the reason the question of whose “mistake” some unattested “mistake” is unintelligible. The question presupposes that there is more than one person who may be responsible for making the “mistake.” your piece presumes was made.
“My eyes have asked a lttle boy”
leaving aside the question of whether eyes ask questions
it’s “little” not lttle
“who wept silently by a wall”
If, as your first line indicates, you were intent t to cast your lines in iambs, you’ve screwed things up here because the line scans
who WEPT/ SI lent/ly BY/ a WALL
To be medically consistent, you should have written along the lines of
"who wept so silently beside a wall"
And if you meant to write in trochees, it’s also poorly written. It scans
WHO wept/ SI lent/ ly BY/ a WALL .
“why he is hiding secret tears
that let those he loves see his grief?[sic}
Since this is a **statement** of what your eyes did, the question mark at the end of the line is inappropriate and another example of your frequent misuse of punctuation.
And if you intended to produce an iambic line, this is poorly written. It scans
that LET/ THOSE HE/ LOVES SEE/ his GRIEF
and if the tears were silent, how could they be seen?
“They kindly ask about the cause”
and give him some consoling words
“He'll feel all right, and it will pass”
What is the “it” mentioned here?
“with smiles that give the sweet repose”.
“The sweet repose” is deixis.
Did you mean “give him sweet repose”?
Otherwise, you are saying that"grief will pass accompanied by smiles.
“His eyes rejoin”,
What were his eyes separated from?
“ it's his mistake”.
What is his mistake? His grief?
“His marks at school are bad and those
he loves expect the best from him.
His hardest work give no rejoice.’
“Rejoice” is a verb, not a noun. It is something one does.And “his work give” is a solecism. “Work” is singular, so your line should read “his work gives”.
“He works so hard, not to be proud,
but please [sic] those dear [sic] who are around. [?]
“To please” “those near and dear to him”
The logic of your claim is that he feels no need, and has no desire, to please those who are far away from him.
“He loves them much and want [sic] them glad”
Since the subject of this line is “he”, “: want them” is another solecism. To be grammatically correct, you should have written “he ... wants”.
Apart from all of these examples of bad prosody and sloppy writing, your text makes the reason the question of whose “mistake” some unattested “mistake” is unintelligible. The question presupposes that there is more than one person who may be responsible for making the “mistake.” your piece presumes was made.
4th Sep 2023 8:20pm
4th Sep 2023 8:36pm
One question: Since the boy has hidden any tears that express his grief (presumably over the fact that his grades are bad and would be a disappointment to those whom he knows had hoped he'd be doing well in school), how do those he loves come to know, as you indicate they do, that he **is** grieving, let alone that the reason he grieves is his perception that once they find out about his grades, they will be disappointed in him?
