Yippee

“My god people”
Says the boy
Delight in his voice
Cheezy snacks on his desk

His mom allowed him to drink cola
He has a liter bottle
He’s going to play fortnite and drink cola
Yippee

Why does it make me sad?
Nostalgic?
Sentimental

His day is made
He has what he wants in life
Coke and a video game
Like so many children
Over so many years
Through so many afternoons and evenings and well into mornings

Why do I want to cry?

I’m 29
My life has gone in more directions
Than I could have ever considered
I have doubled my pre-supposed life expectancy
Depression and paranoia be damned

Why do I feel my heart curl
At that boys excitement
His pleasure
At something that I can have
If I desired it?
Whenever I desire it?

Why do I feel
This mix of complex, deep emotions
That swirl inside my heart
Producing feelings that I do not have titles for?

Maybe I want to be this boy
Maybe I want to feel like he feels
Maybe I want to enjoy a coke, and play fortnite
And let the world go by

Maybe I feel his innocence
His enthusiasm
The exuberance of needs met and exceeded

Maybe I know, deep in my heart
That I will never feel the way he feels
Never know the feeling of simple
Unadulterated
Joy
Like he did in this moment

Do I truly believe I will never feel joy again?
Not in that way?
Do I think my age, as I feel it in my bones?
Do I need to get some rest and turn off my brain
And try again tomorrow?

Maybe i’m just sad
And happy
And nostalgic
All at the same time

For this boy
His cola
And his game
Yippee