cockblock

it was our third date
i was confident i was going to get laid
everything was going great then
we went skinny dipping into the ocean and…
well…we encountered a 105-foot blue whale
the biggest fucking creature on earth today
best play it safe, i’ve heard stories about whales attacking humans before
i yelled at her
“STAY AWAY!”
but she was mesmerized
she swam up to it
“STOP IT!” “GET BACK!” i yelled
she started petting it
“NO, DON’T!”
“OH MY GOD!” she squealed
“IT’S SO BWEAUTIFUL!”
and all of the sudden a 12-foot-long,
1,000-pound penis jutted out
(the biggest penis on earth)
it raped her and killed her then ate her
there was nothing i could do but watch her suffer and die
then it turned on me but
i was a safe distance away
i made it to shore without a problem

but god damnit…
the ocean is FUCKED
i’m never going in there again