Ache

Ache
I am aching
All parts of my heart, brain and spine
Everything feels jumbled not in a straight line
I can barely stand up
Trying to fill everyone else’s cup
I hate myself for falling too fast
I cut out pieces of myself in hopes it will last
I drive every night because I want to go
Yet I always end up at home feeling a bit low
I keep caging myself
No freedom in these walls
Screaming aimlessly in these halls
I felt alive for a moment
Now i cant even thrive, and I own it
I want to climb in the dirt and wallow
Take a handful of pills and swallow
Yet I can’t even do that, I am afraid to hurt another
I am a daughter, friend and mother
Some days my laughter is so real I can feel the joy sparking out
Then their are days my thoughts are so dark, I feel the need to shout
I am begging to seen
I am begging to be touched, almost a fien
The need for flight is so great
I am afraid of rejection, can’t you relate
How can I be so spiritual
Yet cocoon myself almost infantile
I want someone to stay
See me try to flee and make it ok
Is it wrong to want another to soothe me
To love me and it be real, just be
Truth be told I have always felt replaceable
While considering them all irreplaceable
I know this emptiness is from childhood
However on my spiritual journey it knocks, it intrudes
I have to find a way out of here
Before I lose everything I fear
Mainly myself