Someday

 
Someday I will come home to peace
A quiet house and a quiet mind
A happy heart and a cozy bed
And you
You probably won’t be there
But I will
With a made bed and flowers on the table
Someday my heart won’t beat out of my chest
Just at the thought of it
It will be an oasis
It will be comfortable and loving and safe
Someday I’ll stop struggling to picture another at my table
Because I know
I know that while all I can see right now is you, you are not my forever
God do I wish you were
I want to spend the rest of my life
Watching the sunset with you
Sharing good food
And too loud laughs
Reaching across the bed
In the early morning hours
Just to touch you
But I know
That someday
you won’t be there
So I remind myself
Someday I won’t miss you
Someday I won’t want you
Someday
Life will be fine without you
But I can’t seem to make today that day
And everyday I can’t
I hate myself just a touch more
This self loathing is a weed
In the garden of who I want to be
I’m defacing my life’s work
Because I can’t seem to let go
I’m not strong enough
Not strong enough to leave before it’s ruined
Not strong enough to forget before I have to
Not strong enough to stop before the crash

Someday I will come home to peace
A home full of compassion and understanding and selflessness
A home that is full of the things I value most
Someday my home will be a safe haven
For everyone I love
Because I know what it means to feel alone
I know what it means to be tired
To be broken
To need a home, even when it’s not your own
But for now I find myself missing you
Especially in the early morning hours,
My favorite time of day
With the sun low and the blankets pulled high
I miss the simplest things about you
And truly, I want to stop
I need to stop
You are not my home
Not really
There’s no music playing in our kitchen
There is no reaching
No quiet grab for connection
The bed might be full but it feels so empty
And as badly as I wish it was all your fault
I know
I know sometimes things just don’t work out
And I know sometimes things just aren’t meant to be
And I know sometimes things get too complicated
And I know I fall too fast and too hard
And I know I love too much
And I know
I will survive without you
As I have survived without everyone before you
I made it here
There’s no possible way I don’t make it there

Someday I will come home to peace
And someday I’ll know what that looks like
I’ll be able to see it without the fog of us
And it
Will be just as beautiful
As all the love I’ve held for you
I’m not ready to mourn it yet
And I think that’s the worst part
Is knowing something is dead
But being completely unable to acknowledge it’s demise
I never put much stock
In the stages of grief
But I think I might start
Because this is classic denial of I’ve ever seen it
And maybe
Maybe I am too weak
Too soft
Too much
Too emotional
But I just can’t
I can’t convince my heart of the truth my brain has already observed
You
are already gone
This
Is already dead
And we
Are already over
I’m clinging to the ghost of a dream that I’ve already awoken from
And it’s poisoning all the memories left behind