mentally relapsing

it comes and goes in waves
but i didn’t learn how to ride
i was told to drown in them,
stay quiet, stay low.
it’s so dark at night, even darker in my head
and there it goes.
i relapsed mentally
why did i, why did i do that?
too fat, too big, too much of me
gross, disgusting, sick,
it doesn’t stop.
god, why doesn’t it stop?
like i don’t deserve the highs, the feel goods
no, i had to step on a scale
i had to relapse
mentally
and now i’m overwhelmed with guilt
please
don’t let me drown