Diary entry 05-03-2023 “We have changed again”

I’ve not been myself the last few months. I’m ….. different now. I changed again. Coping, defending, morphing, or was I going on the offence? So much pent up aggression, so much anger and rage storming through my mind right now. A short fused bomb ready to go off. The slightest misstep could ruin everything. I could destroy everything I ever believed in, everything I ever loved and cared for. I can’t control myself anymore, I’m at the mercy of others to fight for me. Because if I do, nothing will be left untouched, nothing or no one can stop me. Never mind how high the cost may grow, I cannot let myself go. I can’t lose what I am right now. Maybe I will never find him again, lost to time, forgotten and buried by the constant onslaught of thoughts and voices coursing through me. Confused to the point where I don’t know what is real anymore. I’m fending of my delusions, fending of the falsehood that has become me. Am I even real? I need to remember, I must remember who I am? What are you changing me into?    
     
Give me back control, give it back! I need it, I must have it! Why are you doing this to me? I didn’t need you anymore, I could fend for myself. I had everything under control. That man is nothing compared to me. That man can’t stand up against someone like me. The coward tries to battle the war from the side-lines. Lurking in the shadows, manipulating everything and everyone around him to get what he wants. I will get him out in the open, I will expose him for what he truly is. A boy, insecure, weak, vain, naïve, not capable of toppling the walls you built for all those years. He must be annihilated, removed from our existence. Everything must become how I want it to be. He’s just lying to bend the truth, he’s lying like I did so long ago. He has to pay. The very worst part of this, I am like him. I did the same. Ashamed of this reality you are? How precious. You speak of unfairness yet you do the same when push comes to shove.      
     
Removing him is like erasing yourself in the process. You must realize this. You must see this. What gives you the right to do so? It is my right because I know what he can do, I know what he can cause. I know because, I know. You can also do the other thing…. You can also just, run away. Leave that place, leave it behind and start over. You know what that is like, don’t you. I don’t want to. Not anymore, not again. It takes too much time and energy. Time I don’t have, energy I need to fend of the thoughts. I can’t afford to take that risk. Then don’t, fester in your misery that will start to grow beyond the point that you can handle. And then what, just snap, start hurting yourself again, contemplating and orchestrating realities that are only true to you? Insane little boy, you can’t take that. You are not ready for that. You need me to do the fighting for you. I’ve not been myself the last few months. He’s ….. different now. He changed too. Is it really trying to save me? Is it really trying to warn me for what could happen if I let this man manipulate everyone around me?      
     
My world is crumbling down around me. It’s not like it was before. It has changed, like I did. It has changed right before my eyes and I couldn’t do anything to stop it from happening. It’s making me uncomfortable, it’s playing games with me. Changing the way I view people, distorting the way I see the people closest and dearest to me. He is the ones that did this, he ruined everything. It angers me beyond reason. How do I remove a man that has an influence on everything I trusted to be on my side? It’s driving me mad. This madness is torturing me, me! I who did nothing to infuriate such feelings. It’s all his fault. It’s his fault I feel this way, it’s his fault I don’t feel anything at all. I resort back to my old ways, the ways I told myself never to expose again. The pain is comforting, the hurt hasn’t changed. That is still the same, something I can see, feel and do to remember what is real and what is not. I know it isn’t healthy, I know it isn’t sane, I know it has it’s dangers, I know it is addicting. But what am I to do? What can I do? What can he do? What can she do? What can anybody do? You haven’t changed a bit. Get out of my head! Leave me alone! Let me be! Please, don’t let this happen again! Please, please, I’m begging you, don’t, please don’t.