nutty dark year

I was 13 years old
I remember it well enough
I sat locked in my room
Listening to All-American Rejects
“Straightjacket Feeling”
On my badass surround sound stereo system
I was lonely in that room
I dreamed of big cities
Music was my escape
I had an iPod Mini and a badass CD collection, too
I did drugs and smoked cigarettes
They all gave it to me
It was so easy
I thought I might be gay
because I was into another boy
I was afraid they would all hurt me if they knew
that i had even thought about it
It wouldn’t be okay
They made that much clear
And so i hid and i was so ashamed
I cut myself, too
I wanted to die but not by cutting
The cutting was to feel better
I developed a dark romance with suicidal thoughts and plans
but i stuck with cutting and drugs
and it was just enough to get me through
I wore long sleeves and my hair covered my eyes
I continued to hide
One day, an older girl (she was 16) locked me in a bedroom
and we fooled around
“Not bad for a 13 year old,” she whispered in my ear..
I was confused about life
Things were so dark
It was a nutty and chaotic time