How Dare I....

How dare I let people make me believe that I did something wrong for mourning in my in own way. It's not riding anything, or jumping on anything to memorialize someone that I had to utmost respect for.  Someone that I grew up with.  And not even just one, but two.  Two people that I spent my childhood with are no longer with me.  We didn't have to see each other everyday but Everytime that we saw each other it was always love.

That's just like when I don't go see my grandma because I don't want to see any of them there.  Still me being selfish with my feelings and my memories.  How dare I let anyone make me feel like I'm not worth remembering my friends too.  You didn't even know that I knew them, and I don't feel the need to explain myself, or anything of that nature.  I didn't get to go to the memorials.  No one let me know when or where.  I saw the videos, and saw the candles afterwards.  If there was a funeral, how would I know, no one told me, but I didn't ask either.

I wanted to mourn my way.  Especially when I know what I know.  Kids I never got the chance to meet, parties we won't meet up at, memorial cookouts and you're not drinking with me, I'm drinking for you…   that shit hurts, I'm not a robot, I feel pain too.  Its crazy the shit people will say in order to make someone else feel worse.  But I get it.  How would you know I even know these people.  My past isn't known except to those that were important enough to live it with me.  But again, how dare I let you make me feel anything about how I feel towards y'all.

How dare I…..  Damn, for real how dare I…But now I understand how my baby cousin felt.  I may not have been aiming it at you, but it stung.  I have memories too..

How dare I feel guilty because when I got my shirts made I didn't offer to get one for anyone else.  That's the only mistake that I made.  Not including everyone else.  I don't have to feel bad.  I still see her and my grandma playing pool.  Then sitting and playing Uno.  They're both laughing and smiling like I remember, that's how I choose to remember..  Everyone always wants an explanation.  They want to know what you know…

How dare I even give this conversation a passing thought but, it made me think.  Something that I don't like to do.  Seeing those two at his dad's store, standing in the front just hanging.  Laughing, joking, and right there when I came out the green store.

How dare I let you cloud my mind with negativity when I have such better things that I could be worried about.  People get me though.

I know what to do.  A new drink flavor this year.  I'll call it the 'around the way sangria' in loving memory of my memories.  In loving memory of my childhood.  It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst either.  It was full of laughs, definitely full of tears, full of joy and full of pain.

And how the fuck dare me to allow someone else to keep me from promoting my besties business.  What the hell is wrong with me.  I'm just extra overemotional lately.