Just my Feelings

So I've decided that to get over you, I'm just going to write about you until I get you out of my system. If ever.  You are forever my Joker, and I'm forever you're Harley.  No one will ever be able to take your place.  I'm scarred by you, but in a good way.  You put a move on my heart and my mind.  And dammit I love you for that.  You made me realize that I am stronger than I have ever known.  And I deserve exactly what I give.  Even when the person that I want to give it to doesn't want it.  Falling in love with you was the best thing for me.  Maybe for you too but you're not willing to explore it.  I was.  I was all in.  Maybe not ready to just up and leave but ready to figure out how to get my life together with you.

You accepted me as me, no questions and again, I love you so much for that.  You accepted me when I had just learned of my mental health journey and you ushered me in with kindness.  You brought me back when I was losing myself.  And kept me seeing the light when all I saw and felt was darkness.   But you never wanted to give me you.   That was too much.  That was against the rules..  it wasn't for me though.  I agreed to love you unconditionally with no strings attached.  I agreed that we would make each other happier than we've ever been.  I didn't know that that's not what you wanted.  You just literally wanted someone to control.  That's not what I want.

I just wanted love.  A real love.  A genuine love that I could call my own.  I just wanted to belong to someone and the same go for me, but as usual nothing.  Why do I have to give you the world and just do what you say???  Were you going to do the same for me??  I can answer that, hell no.  My feelings were just a joke to you weren't they.  Something to laugh at while you let me fix your broken heart.  It's obvious they weren't taken seriously, and to be honest if you didn't want them you could've told me.  But why would you right??  There's someone giving you everything and more why validate my feelings right, just keep using them to get what you want then remind me I have someone..  

I wanted it to be just us, just you and just me.  Making it work together.  In all aspects, just us.  That's the dream you sold.  You said just enough to keep me hooked and coming back.  But you don't want to keep doing everything that you did  bag me.  Then again, I bagged you…. I stepped to you and specified what I wanted.  I asked you for dominance and honesty.  I asked for you to be my other half.  Be my partner in crime, my business partner, hell my partner in life and I thought you were willing.  😭😭 It makes me sad.  You really turned out like all the rest.  Memorable but typical like the rest.  I don't know what to do with these feelings that I'm harboring.  It's making my emotions go haywire and I don't like it.  

You said to me that you knew I wouldn't leave him, but did you ever ask me??  Nope, you just assumed I wouldn't because it was easy for you.  Honestly, if you asked I probably would.  Why, because of the simple fact.  We could possibly be perfect for each other, but I hate that you're perfect for me.  And you don't give me the chance to make the decision for myself.  You just assumed that I wouldn't.  You made an ass out of us both.   Mostly me.  You honestly thought that I couldn't make a simple decision for myself.   So when I said that you act like I'm stupid or something you really thought that.  Makes me sad.  As I said, I may have gotten caught texting but everything that came after was pure genius.  I handled every aspect of the situation and contained the problem.  Like a boss.  Not that I want credit but damn an atta boy would be nice.  I took the fall for you just like she did for the joker.

More perfect than I thought…

Dammit these damn emotions are driving me crazy…