Needin' Aqua Vitae.

Since it has been a criticism before, please note: where words have a more phonetic spelling ,there’s a point to it.


The story may be altered or extended as I see fit depending on whether I feel there's more to carry on(which I'm sure there is) I've just tried to stick with what I was challenged.
****

It wis a normal night.Except it wusnae.It was ma friend Lori’s biRTHdi an a hud been workin’ a full 5 day week so ah wis lookin’ forward tae gaun oot oan a Saturday night.Ah hud hud a cup fu e a wee bottle e glen morgans and some WKD, so ah wis on ma way.


Ah wis needin’ tae git the train there since we were aw meetin up somewhere else.Ah wis lucky tae jist buy ma ticket and go through the gate tae see a train gaun tae London Victoria thit ah could git oan.Ah wis walking doon the train passed a chavy lassie wi her squeaky bloody dance music blastin oot,ken like they aewis dae.Ah walked further  and  sat doon.Ah wis aboot tae git oot ma IPod when ah sees this girl.Wow.A mass e raven black hair, eyes ringed roon like she wis Cleopatra.Ah nodded tae masel appreciatively.What ah’d gae tae huv a lassie like that as ma girlfriend.she fiddled wi her Iphone then looked oor at me.Shite.emm.Ah pulled the nervous face.


(Sussex English Accent) “Doo Youw Havv ay ruhollie?”


“Nah, ah dinnae ah’m afraid.Ah dinnae smoke”


Kennin right there an then ah hud missed the boat oan that one.Ah’d probably git nae maire chances tae speak tae hurr again.Fuck.This always happens.ah pursed ma lips and made a sound e disappointment.Conversational potential zero.Bollocks.

After what seemed like yonks, an maire stations thin ah’ve hud hot dinners  the train finally approaches mine.Ah gits off wi very little idea where it is that ah'm gaun.Ah mean ah’d looked at Google maps so it widnae be too bad ,bit jist the reality is aewsi diff’rint.Ah ken ah hud tae go pasted a Tabernacle ,whatever one e those wis.Jewish ah s’ppose.Ma cousins married tae a jewish girl. Ah wis gittin tae Sainsbury’s when ah wis startin tae hink this looks nuhin like what ah saw oan the map.Ah’m thinkin’ ah’ve gote loast.Ah wis considerin’ askin’ some folk around but didnae fancy it.Ah’d rather figure it oot.Ah ended up askin’ what seemed tae be a middle class dad wi his two daughters bit nane e thaim wur any the wisers.So ah figured ah’d just doon the road ah wis oan and see what happened.ah ended up outside a pub.

“Yoo woulDN’Tuh    happen tuh know where the Three dolphins is?”
“JusTuh down ThERE” he said as he pointed doon the street and made me feel like an lost and foreign arse.
Ah toddled up the road and gote in the door.Scanned around bit couldnae see thum so went up stairs fer a look and foond thum aw in the back corner table.Ah hugged Lori .”Happy birthdi” ah said.Then quickly rushed off fer a pish.Plan  e action: Pish then drink.Sounds guid tae me.
Ordered ma drink an waited a bit while ah felt the eyes e lassies lookin at me suspectedly.What the fuck wis ah dae.Jist standin. Iz ah wis gaun tae pick up ma gless ah couldn’t help bit tae look at it. Aqua Vitae they yaist tae caw it.Cannae beat a guid bit e latin likes.
***

We ended up spendin’ quite a bit  e time in the place.Ah goes ta the bog again an a canne help bit reflect that ma pish is also akin tae Aqua Vitae.   “Awright Mollusc” ah said tae Ailey.It’s an inside joke we huv atween us.We wur aw talkin aboot recent going ons.Thir wis some peoples that ah hudnae meet afore.Ah hud gotten up tae speak tae the less serious looking e thaim when he spoke tae me first.


“hiya.How R U. I’mm james.”
“Hiya.Ah’m Stuart.”
“Yoo havING a good nighT?.Where Yoo from anyways?”
“Yeah,pretty gooD.Ah live down here bit ah’m originally fae Scotlind.”


This answer can go many ways.It’s both amusin’ an irritating aw at once.It kin open up a hale dialogue which kin break the ice in the conversation bit it the same time it kin cause thum tae ask me aw these stupit questions or come out wi “ma granny/mums hairdresser/dug is fae scotLAND” as if pleading empathy.In this reply,ah affirm ma identity as a foreignUR. As no fae roond here.As Alien. Oppressed minority status.Ma sense e self is confused at best tae say the least.Ma work de facto dictates the usage e English mainly, bit ma natural instinct is tae come oot wi scots jist like a used tae dae.Bit even ma scots is confuzzled noo since it’s gotten aw self conscious wi kennin dictionary woRDS and huvin tae decide which language predominates in ma writin or in ma speakin.Yaise too many scots even like a used tae dae, an ah’ll git accused e pittin oan ma ane language.Fuckin' cheek.Ah well, ah canne go too English.Jist doesnae happen.Ah cannae git oot e the habit e a lifetime e using “e” tae mean of  or “Ah” tae mean "I".
***
We’re aw a bit knackered after a long night e gittin pished an bein stupit  thegither.We’re walkin oot an doon the street,when we sees a couple headin fer the beach.She’s haudin his hand and pullin' him in seductively.Ye kin easy tell thir off fer a shag.“Bet that beach has seen a lot e action” ah throw oot there.Nae one says a woRD. Ha.Aqua Vitae indeed ,eh.
A disturbance is brewin in ma guts. Auld Bessie is needin’ fed.“Where um ah gaunae git cake it this time e night?”In the interests e full disclosure, ah huv tae tell ye aboot ma massive love fer cake.If ah wis tae write a love story it wid be dedicated tae ma one true love ,cake.

”Ah want some cake man”, ma battlecry rings oot intae the deserted seaside streets.
”Ah need some fags anyways” Ailey says( well she didnae say “ah”, ah dae hink ,bit the scots lens casts an eye owre aw speakin) So we’re aw off trudging roond trynae think e places that might be open at 2 in the morning……