*Trigger Warning*

   I'm sorry my writing is upsetting, maybe they should come with a trigger warning. Or maybe people need to be more trustworthy. More open-minded, more outgoing.

I'm very depressed, my brain is at it again.
I can’t help myself from this impending descent into darkness. I use to see life differently. Vibrantly Full of color, love, or hope even. But,  apparently, the longer you’re depraved, it becomes harder to cope with independently.
  
 It seems I don’t own my soul. I lost it somewhere along the road. But I know wherever it was, it smiled. The day we fell in love. That sense of companionship,
That you find in your very first friend. The feeling that you both know, for a fact,
will never end.
When we met in this life, I felt that again.
And I know you did.

    I knew we would be together someday, in the next life, or whatever was to come.
And we were. It was just as sudden as a
 Monsoon and twice as powerful. And the strength of our bond, at first…was unbreakable.
But Our emotions were uncontrollable,
And you self-destructed.
                                                                          
    I let you down somewhere.
I'm still not sure where.  Or why you wanted to hurt me.
I think about it every day
and every night, still. Overthinking
I think about how you left me in a hotel room, exhausted and bleeding, with a Uhaul truck, packed with everything we owned, inside of it.
And never came back.
Never even called.
Nothing.

When I spent 7 months trying to make sure you didnt feel abandoned…because you were committed….I Invested all the time and money I had in talking to you, paying for a storage unit to store our things in.
But you blame me.

  You blame me for reacting to your abuse, you hated me for not being an alcoholic like you. You couldnt even be woman enough to tell me goodbye. But I guess you’ll never be honest enough to mind.

   I want you to know,
I was very proud of you.
You were doing so good,with your compulsive lying. I could almost hear the voice from the girl I fell in love with.
It excited me. Then you just disappeared.
It destroyed me.

  
When you met me I was defending myself. Kinda like a sea turtle on the beach, when boots touched the ground 1942, Normandy.
The Land before me was on fire and the ocean behind me was filled with bloodthirsty sharks, angering and hungering. I was running for cover. And drowning in the shallow waters, too scared to surface because of ricocheting fragments.

But through all the dread I couldn’t see past. I saw the most beautiful face within it.
One look is all it took. Those impenetrable walls around my heart. came crumbling down and that turtle was no more.
You skipped inside of my heart and together we built those walls back up.
And When you left. You went through the gate and closed it gently behind you. Never looking back, Never saying a word.

    And I was left alone and trapped inside of the fortress we built together. This haunted Mental Castle. It doesn’t take long for the mind to wander here. Wander to a very evil place where horrible things will follow you back home from.  

There’s more than one now.  They sharpen their claws every night and the scratching is surprisingly becoming staccato. I’m going mad. Do I break the psychosis with my one shotgun shell left. Or do I allow the figures from the shadows to feast on my broken flesh.

    Allowing them to drain me, not entirely,
just enough to keep me alive. And then return to snack on me, day and every other night.
Staying here barely even alive..
Hoping again one day, I can make you smile.
Im sorry I wasnt the friend that I could have been for everyone, but I’m not sorry for being the exact friend all of you needed.