Rain hell

I can hear thunder
on the other side of
the door
 
I’m crouched down
both palms
crushing my  
forehead as
I chant  
 
It’s just dopamine…
it’s just dopamine….
 
It’s just a fucking shot
of dopamine in my  
damned brain.
 
The lighting cracks
again and I scream
and slam my fists
on the ground  
 
breaking my  
knuckles open,
reminiscent of the
night we sat in  
the dark and  
just held hands.
 
It’s just a shot of  
dopamine.
 
I want to break  
into a million pieces,
break you into more
and set fire
to the world
for its audacity.
 
For yours.
 
Because you knew
damn well I couldn’t
leave you like that.
 
I tried.
 
So I stand and pause
press my forehead  
to the door and  
scream again,
wordlessly,
until my sternum  
cracks under  
the force
of the anguish,
I hit the door  
with the meaty
part of my hand.
until it’s bloody
and bruised too,
just like every
other part of me
that touches you.
 
And then.
 
I fling the damn door open.
Fuck it.
 
I run into the goddamn
rain, hair plastered
to my face,  
shirt plastered to my body
eyes plastered on your  
silhouette  
 
And I find my breath
in sobs,
as I grab you
around the neck,  
hide my eyes,  
and press my body
against yours  
while hell rains  
down around us.
 
I’m murmuring  
lies  
against your jaw
just to make it  
through  
the moment  
 
because I can’t
 
I can’t…
 
But the way the  
rain smells  
against your  
neck as you scoop
me up In your arms
and carry me  
someplace
unsafe,
feels…
 
Fuck, it feels like…  
(baby…
god…
please ….)
 
It doesn’t feel
like anything.
 
because  
 
It’s just a shot of  
dopamine.
 
And it wasn’t the way
you kissed me
behind the door,
that made me
tremble  
 
It was just the rain  
trailing need
down my spine
like a soul graft,
 
It was just  
a shot
of  
dopamine.