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The real me
The real me
written July 1st, 2021
I sit on a low bluff
looking out at the ocean in Goa
age 18 and away from home
for the first time.
I can see sitting beside me
a version of me who is
female - compassionate - loving
my skirts and my bangles
the anklets Shankar and Ana gave me
soft and round and surprised
I want to be intimate with a boy.
This is the real me.
I see sitting on the other side of me
another version of me
who is sure _they_ are the real me
male - logical - unemotional
calm under pressure.
My life is planned out
I will be an engineer like my uncle
interested in ideas and not people.
This is the real me.
Some "I"
sits on that low bluff
and sees both of us
for the first time
and it is a wonder.
There are no words for this yet
but these both are
the real me and in time
we will find more
of us.
This is the real me.
written July 1st, 2021
I sit on a low bluff
looking out at the ocean in Goa
age 18 and away from home
for the first time.
I can see sitting beside me
a version of me who is
female - compassionate - loving
my skirts and my bangles
the anklets Shankar and Ana gave me
soft and round and surprised
I want to be intimate with a boy.
This is the real me.
I see sitting on the other side of me
another version of me
who is sure _they_ are the real me
male - logical - unemotional
calm under pressure.
My life is planned out
I will be an engineer like my uncle
interested in ideas and not people.
This is the real me.
Some "I"
sits on that low bluff
and sees both of us
for the first time
and it is a wonder.
There are no words for this yet
but these both are
the real me and in time
we will find more
of us.
This is the real me.
Published 18th Nov 2021
Author's Note
I eventually learned this is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), though my diagnosis now would be a slightly milder version of it. I write this to be visible, and so others know they are not alone.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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19th Nov 2021 1:04am
Personally, I've never found the real me, living in my dreams, or just the moment. Trying desperately to fit in, play a role, until I was the role that still wasn't me. I am not trying to minimize but to accept the flaws that make us beautifully human.
20th Nov 2021 7:12pm
I completely understand what you said. Or I think I do. Thank you for your response. We're all searching, evolving, becoming, and then starting all over again. Hugs.
