Too broken to be saved

I try ...and watch myself fail
Shaking my head like a disappointed father ...
Go into my room , shut the door and beat myself like a hateful step father ...
...
Guess the worst thing you can do to a step son you hate is ...
Rape him...
And make him suck your cock
After he has brushed his teeth before he goes to school ...
...
"Scared for life" doesn't even begin to measure up ...
Broken ....?
...no not even that can comprehend such
...pain....
......helplessness
........worthlessness
..........
...I shouldn't even....
.....
I hate men ...
....I hate waking up....
.......I hate living ....
.........I hate myself....
There is no moving past
No better brighter days....
How can you tell me to think positively
....when that doesn't cross my mind like an alien language...
What could you say or do that would make feel better ?
.... nothing and the worst part is ... you'll feel bad and that just doubles my sadness cause I shouldn't have said anything to start with yet you insisted .... right ... " I'm here to listen " ... " talk to me " ... and now there's pain an regret in your face ... you were better off not knowing...
.... " love yourself " ....
....that just makes me wanna swallow hot coals and sit on open live wires with my hands in water ...
...
How in the earth do you want me to love my self?!!!!
Ugh !!!! The ignorance in that statement !!!!
Isn't that selfish?
Self-centered ?
Narcissistic ?
Isn't that why the world is so torn apart ...cause of this "Me first " mindset ?
....
Learn to see people !
Appreciate people ...!
Yeah that's it ! But I'm writing on a shrivel leave...
... so why should I live ...
Why wake up...
There's no reason ...
No point...
The agony....
...but yeah ...
So it goes on ...
Just as the world turns
... I turn in turmoil...
...sigh ...
Sorry for leaving a bad taste in your mouth ....