Don't Wait Too Long

This is my story.
It happened on October 7,2017.


3 years ago, in the the month of October
3 weeks before my 18th birthday
one bad night.
it chases me around in the shadows
I was raped
between the hours of 6pm and 8pm
one hour
not three
it felt like two
I was dating this amazing guy
and to this day
I still can remember
his exact words
his exact tone
his hurt
everything
"I couldn't protect you."
I stayed in my room
in the dark
for 3 days
I came out of my room on a Monday
it happened on a Friday night
I was raped by a friend
someone I thought I was safe with
I didn't know how quickly a safe night
could become dark so quickly
3 years later
I can't go near a red car
I can't look at people in their eyes
I have PTSD, they said
I wont let someone be behind me
I still have anxiety attacks
in the middle of the night
I still have flashbacks
I'm not the same happy light energy person I once was
I blame myself for trusting in this person
I forgave him
but I will never forget
people. men. women.
don't get that actions have consequences
actions hurt people
people suffer
people lose faith in others
people commit suicide
that amazing guy I dated
is the reason why I'm here
breathing
staying up with me through my nightmares
simply him just being there
is the reason why I didn't kill myself
I have a story
He has a story.
She has a story
You have a story.

it takes time to get back to who you are as a person
some days are still a struggle for me
I'd never be able to look at him
I'd stop breathing

Its been 5 years
I still have never been near a red car
I haven't touched my gym shorts
I no longer have nightmares
nor anxiety attacks during the nights
I have not been in the area of the attack
because I know I'll panic
I physically can't say raped
I have relearned who I am
but no I'm not the same 17 year old before this happened
she's gone.
I do have a million reasons to keep living though.