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THE BRIDGE
THE BRIDGE
It's a bridge inside my mind
that can lift me up and jump
from the land of self neglect
to the land of self respect.
I see lots of people near
who are not so wise and grand,
but they appear like great dukes
to that who stares or just looks.
Take me bridge to medial side
that exists between the two,
where l don't get vain or proud,
but when right to speak aloud.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGTS RESERVED
It's a bridge inside my mind
that can lift me up and jump
from the land of self neglect
to the land of self respect.
I see lots of people near
who are not so wise and grand,
but they appear like great dukes
to that who stares or just looks.
Take me bridge to medial side
that exists between the two,
where l don't get vain or proud,
but when right to speak aloud.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGTS RESERVED
Published 25th Nov 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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30th Nov 2019 5:26pm
Sorry, but this all tell, no show, piece is poorly written.
1. It's a bridge is deixis. What's a bridge inside your mind?
2. Bridges don't jump.
3. "to that who" is a solecism. This should read "To the one who/to the person who" to be grammatically correct.
4. "Take me bridge to medial side" should read "Take me, bridge, to THE medial side" to be punctuationally and grammatical correct. You are addressing the bridge, and medial needs an article.
5. Given that "medial side" means the side that is "in/towards the middle of something", speaking of the side that exists between "the land of self neglect" and "the land of self respect" as a clarification of what you mean by "(the) medial side" is a glaring redundancy.
What is the purpose of this submission? And on what grounds is it poetry?
And I'm still waiting for your answer to this question: Do you think that you are incapable of writing poorly?
1. It's a bridge is deixis. What's a bridge inside your mind?
2. Bridges don't jump.
3. "to that who" is a solecism. This should read "To the one who/to the person who" to be grammatically correct.
4. "Take me bridge to medial side" should read "Take me, bridge, to THE medial side" to be punctuationally and grammatical correct. You are addressing the bridge, and medial needs an article.
5. Given that "medial side" means the side that is "in/towards the middle of something", speaking of the side that exists between "the land of self neglect" and "the land of self respect" as a clarification of what you mean by "(the) medial side" is a glaring redundancy.
What is the purpose of this submission? And on what grounds is it poetry?
And I'm still waiting for your answer to this question: Do you think that you are incapable of writing poorly?
