deepundergroundpoetry.com
Stars
Before the sun begins to fade away
The light so soft and elegant tonight
As stars they dance awaiting for the day
So beautiful and bashful in their light
As a painting blooming in the night sky
With the intention of celebrating
and giving the gift and the hope to fly
Visual beauty commemorating
They entrap my dreams and revive my mind
my eyes are caught within what they portray
Illuminating the sights that I find
Twisting my thoughts into a jangled fray
The sun is peaking, revealing morning
So for now the stars will wait in mourning
The light so soft and elegant tonight
As stars they dance awaiting for the day
So beautiful and bashful in their light
As a painting blooming in the night sky
With the intention of celebrating
and giving the gift and the hope to fly
Visual beauty commemorating
They entrap my dreams and revive my mind
my eyes are caught within what they portray
Illuminating the sights that I find
Twisting my thoughts into a jangled fray
The sun is peaking, revealing morning
So for now the stars will wait in mourning
Published 19th Sep 2019
Author's Note
I made this for my English class, what do y'all think?
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 460
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Sep 2019 10:43pm
24th Sep 2019 11:55pm
i kinda like how you begin with the slightly formal use of iambic pentameter which underscores the elegance of the phrasing, then swap it up and about to become something running to quite a different beat.
that beat's more immediate, less dreamy, more modernistic, more akin to rap, but then you end up with an almost iambic pent last line as the tone slips away from the more frantic 'jangled fray' of the thoughts/images into that slower, wistful note
not gonna offer critique since your bio reads you don't like to follow rules but write how you want to write... and i think your piece here reflects that! enjoyed the write
that beat's more immediate, less dreamy, more modernistic, more akin to rap, but then you end up with an almost iambic pent last line as the tone slips away from the more frantic 'jangled fray' of the thoughts/images into that slower, wistful note
not gonna offer critique since your bio reads you don't like to follow rules but write how you want to write... and i think your piece here reflects that! enjoyed the write
28th Sep 2019 3:47pm
I'm happy you've enjoyed it even a little bit and appreciate the feedback. I'm aiming to get better with my writing and maybe make something out of it.
29th Sep 2019 1:32am
your head's in the right place - you have to want to grow in order to do so... and you've clearly a connection with rhythm, imagery, and a lot of other stuff. there was a lot to enjoy. looking forward to reading more of your work.
