Suicide

My friend suicide, let me tell you about her. She is soft, she is sweet. She lets you in with comfort, until you feel defeat.
Oh dear suicide she will give you the illusion of heaven but put you through hell. She will be sweet until desperate is all you feel!
She won't let you reach out to a single soul, every time you try she will tug and pull, until you feel crazy and helpless! Until you look around and the rumors are true, your name is ms. Loveless!!!
You know who could, love you? he took your soul at just seven years old! It's been pounded in your head by everyone you told!
The sin goes on punishment free for you, but me an innocent, it wakes up everyday! I can't forget the touch, every touch every smell. The smell of Stetson the smell old spice.
I can smell it in almost every place I go! Every older man that I see I'm scared of everything, man I know!
So frightened I had to find a way to go! I knew my thoughts weren't normal! But I couldn't trust a soul to tell! Please I'd beg for someone to hear my cries! Not a soul seen the sadness that laid deep in my eyes!
Those who had done the evil things had to of known my soul was broken right? But the day I tried to take my life! Obviously not as they let me lay there in strife! Asking others how could anyone do this to me, why should I be punished, how is this my fault! As I sit here and try to take my own life!
All those times God didn't let her die, she never did or could understand why! She is is still battling depression in this episode we call life! Everyday she wonders why she couldn't complete her own suicide! She's tried the hanging, pills, even cut her wrist just right!
Still stuck here trying to find out why! It'd be easier to just say she was an addict ! There is no stigma behind that it's welcomed as a disease! But her feeling worthless and not having purpose in this world isn't enough for a soul to understand!
She lost all that was suppose to stand behind her, those who should of seen her falling apart at all her seams! She was alone then with people that surrounded her! She is alone now with not but a soul in her sight!
She still feels like it's wrong to talk about the way she really feels, honestly she just doesn't know how! She had always been shamed for her emotions, made fun of because of her tears!
She tried to be tough and hide behind them , she holds them back until she can't! But she still doesn't come out and say today I thought of suicide again, how everyone would just be better off if I was dead! You know just like Andrew said!
The comments he made when I asked him for help raising his own child! Then the comments he got to make when I tried to make his dreams come true! Or like Travis when his dad and sister got to raise my first baby as they're own! But where the fuck were they up until that day! She was 11 not 2, 5, or 7. I worked 3 jobs to try to support them and give them it all! No help from there fathers they just enjoyed watching me fall!
So today they get to convince them I surely can't love them at all! I have been trying to come back from this, and cope! Go to therapy, counseling, even had a hospital stay! I still get to bounce back as the piece of shit, even though I was never a drug addict at all!
No I wasn't addicted to drugs, maybe a short stint with the alcohol! But I learned quickly I wasn't addict , quit with no withdrawal! I did however use it to cover up the hurt and the pain! Discomfort I never wanted to feel again!
Here I stand still, begging God please help me! I lean on to you, hearing the promise he heals all wounds! I'm still hurting, can't fine my way out! I keep going keep trying like my love tells me too! I can't conquer the world in one day! It's been a year and a half and I've done isolated everyone! Always moving around but trapping myself in the same kind of users!
This time it's just him and I, he doesn't understand the loneliness I feel, he's never had to be here! It's not ever happened to him, so to him it doesn't feel real! I wish I had the courage to let him in and how deep it's getting again! How close I am becoming to bring all this pain to it's dark bitter end!
I don't wanna do this anymore, there is not much fight left in me! A minute alone feels like a year in solitude! Can I please just come clean! Can I please speak out and let this emptiness be seen!
I can't be left alone in my thoughts, depressions as won this battle! I can't wake up and can't be left in peace! All the coping tricks no longer work! I miss them beyond your subliminal messages you call words! The memories of their faces are just drifting down a spiral of sadness I'm slipping towards!
The fight is just about over, I'm weak! Just like you knew I'd always be! This is what you wanted at just age 3! Never a sister that carried my blood, but an enemy that knew I would flood! You win, jealous that the touch wasn't just for you! But I was fresh and that soul just wanted to feel me too!
You say I was easy, sure it's just what I wanted, to believe a grown man fondling me was a love so true! Sure he taught me to drive and fix motors, to this day I play dumb pretend I'm helpless! I'd give every second of those days back just to not feel so lifeless!
What makes this all so sad is, I'd give all of my days and everything I love to go back! To give all of you a better picture of this life! To be happier and not so bitter! To keep you away from every drug and any booze that ever effected your soul! And what hurts the most is I'd never of gotten a cup of water if I was burning alive!
I know this, because my soul was dying! I wanted to die and so badly needed to know someone cared! My life I'll never understand why it was spared! It's a battle I fight daily! Some days I pray to God please save me! Other days I think of the next best way to end me and it comes out so sanely!
But I'll wake up tomorrow and fight it all once more! I'll start by reading the scripture on love doesn't abandon those! I'll remind myself I am worthy! And remember those who stand with me! I'll probably shed a few tears! Look to my left and even though he may not know how sad I am, he looks in my eyes and tries to make me laugh! He lets me know he's here, and looks me in the eye and tells me slow down! It will all come together! I'll pray all day God please takes this I can't do this on my own! And I'll manage to have another tomorrow!