Trepidation

Sometimes ... I am scared to pick up a pen to write...
Sometimes ... My mind is filled with thoughts that question my very existence.
Sometimes ... sometimes ....
I wish...
I wish ... I wish i wasnt the fastest or that lucky spermcell !
I wish I was never produced in a scrotum !
I wish he had worn a condom!
I wish his pull out game was strong that day/night or jerked me off and wiped me off with what i am worth... a toilet paper ... and flushed me down the toilet... cause then...

Cause then... i wouldnt have to deal with this feeling of neever being wanted.
To be alive as the unwanted, the throw away, orphan child... who is...who is ...
(GOSH!!!!)

The castodian of the feeling of inadiquacy.
To not know how it feels to be rejected ... before even being born... an embryo!!!
Feeling not good enough for anyone .
Waking up everyday questioning his own existence..... Feeling like a child of rape ...(in detail) A girl who's innocence is violently taken against her will, screaming and begging , tears streaming in pain and disbelieve an a birth for a new kind of hate and distrust ! He leaves her there ... they find her... He gets arrested and sentenced to life ... she finds out she's with child , her attackers baby , she hates herself and the thing growning inside her, she tries to abort it constanly but fails miserably , and concevieves ... she despises the infant so much she cant even look at it!!! Forces the doctors to get rid of it, adoption ,forster whatever ... A forster home is where he grows not knowing his father or mother...Father doesnt even know he has a child.... At the age of only eleven after havinging experienced abuse from ever home he was ever placed in , he learns his history... can one comprehend such pain ? How does he bare it?
knowing he will always be a disappointment …

Sobbing and feeling sorry for myself at times crying myself to sleep...
Socially awkward and always feeling left out of life...
Afraid to do anything wrong...
Never to have some ones shoulder to cry on … dying inside over and over but getting stronger with time …
will I still know what being human is?