My mind is gone from me. Gone, and all that's left is this mindless, meaningless rage. I want to hurt people, I want to punch them, because the idea of stabbing them is too clean… A swift, precise incision, enter and exit and end. Blows are slow and brutal, and can go on forever depending on strength and stamina. I have neither unless I am enraged.
I am not enraged.
I am enraged.
I am destructive. I want to hit walls and kick holes in doors and break bones.
Once I start, its difficult to stop.
She is prevention as well as protection.
She is sword and shield and restraint and she recognises the people I don't want to hurt.
She knows what I need so she allows me my indulgences.
"Within me there re emotions you cannot begin to describe. There is a lust so great you would not comprehend, and an anger so intense it would stagger. If I cannot satisfy one, I will indulge in the other."
How very maddeningly, heartbreakingly true.
Sometimes I need to fulfil both at the same time.
Violence begets violence
But he wouldn't fight back
He'd let me kill him
I know it
I want him to fight back
I want the violence returned
No-one ever returns the violence
And so my thoughts return to the one person most likely to carry out that one desire
The one person I need to avoid at all costs.
" 'Shit-giving' is not my forte."
I really want to hurt him too.
Will the violence ever end?