deepundergroundpoetry.com
Secrets
Come out and play
My secret sin
No one needs to know
How we begin
Its always dark
We are alone
Our whereabouts go unknown
Never shall I tell the truth
There's no need
They have no proof.
The proof they need
I hide within
They will never know
My deadly sin.
There are so many ways
One can die
Death does not mean
going to the other side.
To die could be
to lose your soul,
your passion, your flame,
never achieving those once reachable goals.
I can lay asleep
safe in my bed
Smiling to myself, content,
My secrets locked in my head.
The mysteries inside my brain
Surely are enough
to make one go insane.
Shut out from the world
I hide my pain
A bubbly, laughing face
To hide my shame.
Up and down, up and down
This ride is never ending
Emotions high, tempuratures rise
Sometimes I miss the feel of falling.
My secret sin
No one needs to know
How we begin
Its always dark
We are alone
Our whereabouts go unknown
Never shall I tell the truth
There's no need
They have no proof.
The proof they need
I hide within
They will never know
My deadly sin.
There are so many ways
One can die
Death does not mean
going to the other side.
To die could be
to lose your soul,
your passion, your flame,
never achieving those once reachable goals.
I can lay asleep
safe in my bed
Smiling to myself, content,
My secrets locked in my head.
The mysteries inside my brain
Surely are enough
to make one go insane.
Shut out from the world
I hide my pain
A bubbly, laughing face
To hide my shame.
Up and down, up and down
This ride is never ending
Emotions high, tempuratures rise
Sometimes I miss the feel of falling.
Published 7th Dec 2011
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Anonymous
7th Dec 2011 10:04am
Hi Allyby. This is an intriguing write. I believe it strives to express the discuss that secret life we all lead behind the facades of our everyday appearance. I particularly liked the sentiment expressed in stanzas 5 and 6 and the closing line is great.
On the critical side, I felt it flirted dangerously with a rhyming meter which made it sound a little trite at times (last line, stanza 6 seems to struggle particularly badly to achieve a rhyme which is not necessary - and just when you're making your strongest point) And the tone of it wanders a little towards the end. I mean, it starts off kind of naughty and defiant but towards the end you talk of pain and a certain amount of shame. This dilutes the rest of it for me. So I felt I'd like you to loosen out the rhyme a bit and tighten up the consistency of the tone. I'll offer you some specific suggestions if you like but in the meantime - loved it! R
On the critical side, I felt it flirted dangerously with a rhyming meter which made it sound a little trite at times (last line, stanza 6 seems to struggle particularly badly to achieve a rhyme which is not necessary - and just when you're making your strongest point) And the tone of it wanders a little towards the end. I mean, it starts off kind of naughty and defiant but towards the end you talk of pain and a certain amount of shame. This dilutes the rest of it for me. So I felt I'd like you to loosen out the rhyme a bit and tighten up the consistency of the tone. I'll offer you some specific suggestions if you like but in the meantime - loved it! R
7th Dec 2011 2:45pm
