everybody hates me

I’m not good enough. My classmates hate me.
I don’t know what to do. WHY AM I HERE STILL?
 I’m ready to give up. I am going to fail my degree.
That’s what I’ve been feeling these last few days, and but every human being on this planet goes through these periods of agony.
It doesn’t matter who you are. Being sound of mind doesn’t give you immunity from humanity.
During periods like these, I want to catapult myself into darkness and dark thoughts. And it doesn’t help that my voices remind me I am a loser.
One of the problems today is that people aren’t honest enough. They have no problem telling you how much money they’ve made or how successful their lives are, but when it  comes to feeling like a failure, they keep their lips tight and their thoughts to themselves
It makes it all seem like you shouldn’t feel the way you do. But the truth is that whatever you’re going through is normal. Trust me even if you think you are weird, that it is ok because it is still normal to feel like that too.
I’ve come a long way since I started actively going after what I  wanted at the age of 16, but I still have days where I wish things were easier—a lot easier. I am 52 and still scraping to be a writer or lecturer, but have given up trying to be a Super Hero [sore knees]
I wish I knew why these periods of agony occur, but I don’t. Same with the voices or the thoughts.
All I know is that they do. They almost seem like periods of cleansing, because when they are over, I feel clearer and more inspired. I know they will be back, but don’t know when.
It’s only when I try to struggle with my voices and what’s here to bring my dark thoughts on, that days can expand into weeks, but I rarely do that anymore, so I’m often through the woods of feelings or the forest of unsure before I find a clearing of happiness.
I should not really think “I don’t need to know”. I just need to know how to deal with it effectively, so it doesn’t ruin my life.
Many fellow writers and poets have thrown in the towel because they’ve misinterpreted their thoughts and feelings.
When I’m in the midst of despair like now, I’ve learned to notice how chaotic my thoughts are, then write them down.
The more I identify with my thoughts, the more I suffer. The louder the voices then more paranoid I get.
What I’ve experienced more and more is that we are not our thoughts.
We are what we create, do to help our fellow humans and what we leave behind.
Sure, thoughts and feelings happen, but we do not have to get caught up in them.
Yes, I know it easy to say or write, but I am trying to help myself by writing this.
You can check this out for yourself. Notice the thoughts that are here right now, and also notice that you are the presence which is aware of the thoughts, you are not the thoughts themselves.
Thoughts could not exist without you. Paranoia is not you. The voices in your head is not you.
And not everybody hates you or laughs at you.
Thoughts have no power unless you focus on them. I’m not saying that you should ignore your thoughts, just that you can be more aware of what you pay attention to, and that you don’t have to get sucked up in the drama, because that creates more.
Just having an intellectual understanding of this won’t help you,  because those are just more thoughts. What will help is when you experience it for yourself. The easiest way to do that is to be intensely present and intimate with the present moment.
Yes, even when you feel horrible, especially when you feel horrible. Yes, let the voices talk, but fight them back, be strong.
This topic has been fascinating me to no end lately, so I could go on, but I’ll leave it clean and simple for now.
In the past, I’ve dealt with these kinds of days by trying to push through them.
I never even considered that I could take a break.
Lectures canceled!! So find time to write. House needs cleaning, there is always tomorrow. Everybody hates me. True but some people love you too.
When I feel like giving up, I’m not productive, and I don’t make good decisions. Whatever I do just breeds more of the same.
What you do during these breaks is up to you, as long as it’s something you enjoy. I watched movies, meditate, read, and listened to some music or write.
I’ve been exploring my thoughts a lot lately, and so far I  really feel down.
In essence, my solution is simple: I take a break and let myself experience writing.
I surrender to my thoughts and feelings, by writing about them
I’ve noticed that the way I feel becomes a problem when I want to change it because that’s where the fight begins.
The way most people deal with negative feelings is by running away to food, sex, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, video games, or whatever they do to escape their fear.
I am no different, but I’m getting better at staying here and now. Yes, I feel I am going to fail, but that is a feeling we all have.
Life happens the way it happens. I went through a rough few days, but I’m feeling inspired, yes still down, still fear failing, but inspired.
I know that these kind of days happen from time to time, BUT WRITING HELPS.
Not always easy, but always worth it and we should not give up writing.