See her.

I see her.

You think I don't see her? Everybody sees... her.

Walking so delicately it's almost if she's floating in any direction.

Sending a soft smile at anyone who will catch it.

Confidence radiates from her like a force I've never seen.

I see her. I yearn to be her.

I bet she only sends love into the atmosphere.

I bet people around her are so enthralled in her voice as she speaks words of clarity that every thought they had before her escapes them.

She probably lays her head on a pillow at night and just drifts to sleep awaiting the next day of hope and knowing everything will be okay.

You know, one of those glass all the way full type of girls.

She's everything I want to be.

She doesn't sit with a shaking knee and a constant sweaty palm.

She doesn't sit in her car before entering any store anticipating the routes she'll walk to avoid any social interaction. Isle 1 to Isle 4. Isle 4 to Isle 7. Looking down at the ground every step of the way.

She doesn't analyze every word she said after she said them and wonder why she has to be this way, why she just can't hold a conversation.

She doesn't fill her loved ones with regret for ever being in her life. She doesn't fill every interaction she has with negativity. She doesn't push away any type of "friend" she encounters.

No, she has tons of friends. People are waiting in line to be the next person she chooses.

She doesn't lie in bed every night going over every wrong thing she's ever done. Over and over and over and over and over again.

She doesn't question God constantly because he has blessed her with this constant happiness and unwavering faith in herself and the world, how could she doubt him?

Why can't I be like her.

Did I do one too many selfish things?

Is that why I'm trapped in my own body, in my own mind?

Why do I have to be like this? I'm so tired. I'm so tired of looking at my cup as empty.

I'm so tired. Im tired of never being able to turn off my mind. Can't I just turn it off for one night? I just want a break from myself.
 
No, I can't just "get over it". I can't just "think happy thoughts."
You don't think I want to? I want to be the girl that's so easy to love.

But I'm not. I'm hard to love.

I want these thoughts to stop.

I want to leave and never come back to myself. I want to be her.

I'm so tired.