What Would They Care If I Disappear?

I’m in the safety of my house, the comfort of my room...it is anything but.
A man, a man who is unclear is running toward me, a child, with a knife in a dark alleyway where no one can see me or hear my screams.

As this man gets closer and closer to me, I can see who it is.
But not who, what it is.
I can see that it’s not a person, but depression. Now it may seem crazy, but depression is running at me and all I can do is stand still.

I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can’t blink.
All I see is the knife with my name on it.
I thought I escaped this, I thought I fought it hard enough and long enough that it grew tired and ran away,

But no, it’s back, and it’s going to keep coming back for me, no matter how far I run, or how fast I go.
It’s slowed down its pace, and walks, only a few feet away. It stops and looks at me, tilting its head, almost as if it feels bad for me.

But that smile that has appeared on its face, that damned smile.
He inches closer and closer before its face is inches from mine. Its eyes are black, and its smile grows showing his sharp fangs.

That’s when I feel it, the sharp pain in my chest, in my heart where it stabbed me, and now look at me.
I’m sitting here with it controlling me as I reach out for a cry of help, but there are no replies this late at night.

I have to fight this myself, but how can I when it’s controlling me?
All things bad have rushed into my mind.
Only the bad thoughts, not a sliver of good can be found as I remember.

I remember my father, my abusive father. He’s not abusive in the way you think, no he does more harm than bruises and broken bones, for those can heal.
He yells out words that hurt more than anything, the one who I supposed to build me up and help me, only breaks me down and destroys me.

What would he care if I disappear?

Then my mother pops up. How she always defended my father, how she always took his side of things and didn’t bother to help me.

What would she care if I disappear?

My two older brothers in a different state both come to me. The oldest, I was closest to. We would always talk, joke around, and just be siblings.
But for some reason, he doesn’t talk to me. He ignores my texts and allows me to suffer when I need him most.

The younger of the two always disliked me. He always picked fights with me, and only me. He would yell words out just like my father, and sometimes, he would hurt me,
by grabbing my arm tightly that left a hand mark, by shoving me into a wall that hurt my back, throw things at me, and once even chased me with a knife.

What would they care if I disappear?

My little brother, the one that always makes jokes and messes with.
He would tell jokes too mean, or say I hate you too many times until we both felt it.

What would he care if I disappear?

My various friends who claimed to understand, but wouldn’t talk to me unless I was there with them.

What would they care if I disappear?

So maybe instead of just killing myself and getting it over with, maybe depression is trying to make me see, make me see no one really cares.

It’s no longer him that’s controlling me, It’s me.
And that’s when all goes to hell.
He is over my shoulder as I take the large knife, and stab myself.

I black out
And wake up dead.