untitled ( 8 )

do you know the moment you can just read the disappointment on someone's face?

i see it everyday. not physically, at least. it's more of a feeling.
that feeling where you can just feel the disappointment seething through the text on the screen and your heart caves in on itself, because it's not what you intended.

and the moment your heart caves in you just shut down. because you know you fucked up and you can't do anything to fix it. and saying sorry only makes things worse because now you can't stop apologizing, and when they tell you to stop all you can reply is sorry and it continues.

you try to isolate yourself. you know you deserve it. you're an idiot, you're overthinking again and you know it; you understand it's the illness talking but it hits too close to home and you submit to the thoughts and let them eat you alive.

and the moment its all over you just feel numb and empty.

so numb that you can hardly hear or read what anyone is saying. the white noise plays in your ear, as if they're protecting you from the harsh realities you've returned to. so empty that things that usually bring an emotional response does nothing to you. you feel nothing when you look at that photo, or read that article. and you know it elicits a negative response.

but you can't help it. it's how you are. and you can't change that.

so you keep being the outcast. because it's all you know.