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i'm not sure if i'll ever recover.

i'm told that eventually, with help and medicine, that the light at the end of the tunnel will finally appear and show it's calming face. that she will take my bruised and bloody hand in hers, pulling me out of the existential darkness within.

i have seen her, for her light is warm and full of love. i have ran to her, just waiting to be in her hold–– only to find myself further inside this forsaken tunnel. soon she is only a speck. then a glimmer. then gone.

i haven't seen her in such a long time, and i'm losing hope. my hands are bloodied from scratching at the walls, knuckles rubbed raw by fighting the demons that lurk with me. i wonder if i'll ever see her again.

for now, i sit here in the dark.

i wait, listen for the sounds that echo around me when the monsters grow near. i've been fighting so long. i am cut, bruised, broken, bloody with a mixture of my own and other's blood. i'm used to this lifestyle.

i hear their growls. its only when i clench my fists i realize that i too have become a monster.

so do i really deserve to escape the tunnel after all?