Learning

I've been alone a lot once again
and at first it was overwhelming
so many spaces and thoughts and sounds
yesterday it started wearing off
and instead I thought of dishes clanking and watching movies with my grandparents

I started feeling less afraid and more numb
I can't tell if it's a bad thing
but I remembered I have to live with myself my whole life
so I better stop thinking of death;

I'm started to think fate is bullshit again
despite working all those spells
and having those animals strangely enchant me
I started thinking maybe I was wrong
and you aren't for me
and no one is
and when I thought of that,
 for the first time in a while
that wasn't a sad thing

I turned my phone off
probably afraid of seeing your texts or lack there of
and i'm sure my mothers worried
but I can't seem to turn it back on

I have so many wishes for and of you
and stepping away seems to be the only thing that helps me remember
just because I think something must be
doesn't mean it will be

All I can ask is that one day someone will ask me to dance
and I will say yes
all I can ask is for you to grow
and me to grow
and the garden too
spring seems still too far from me

all I can ask is that I am no longer jealous
and that's  a lot to ask  
but I must still ask anyway

You are beautiful
or at least the you that haunts my dreams is
you are the subject of everything I write
and yes possibly have been since the day I could write

but those thoughts must be hushed again

for I do not think I can have you right now