deepundergroundpoetry.com
1st
This smoke lies too
about the skies that never were
once we're whole again it will burn away
melanoma of consciousness helps us feel
steal the moment and make a connection
it's always there
about the skies that never were
once we're whole again it will burn away
melanoma of consciousness helps us feel
steal the moment and make a connection
it's always there
Published 9th Feb 2018
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likes 2
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
9th Feb 2018 3:50pm
I actually really like this. Found myself reading it out loud a few times. The fact it is so short makes it impactful.
I’m not sure the first semi-colon is needed, in terms of honest feedback, I think that hinders the flow a little.
Lyrically though, I’m quite impressed.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m not sure the first semi-colon is needed, in terms of honest feedback, I think that hinders the flow a little.
Lyrically though, I’m quite impressed.
Thank you for sharing.
9th Feb 2018 4:02pm
Thanks! While grammatically it is correct, separates two clauses, you are right and I did indeed write it without any punctuation, so I will be removing them. Tell me if it works the same?
Anonymous
9th Feb 2018 4:17pm
Line break after “and make a connection”
“It’s always there” needs to be a stand alone line, if there’s no punctuation.
“It’s always there” needs to be a stand alone line, if there’s no punctuation.
9th Feb 2018 4:40pm
yeahhhh I was thinking about it, thought it would ruin the skin of it, but strangely enough it does not really. thanks!!
Anonymous
9th Feb 2018 5:11pm
You’re most welcome 👍🏻
