deepundergroundpoetry.com
In The Arms Of A Sister
Poetry in my blood it may be
But I hath seen the fairest Romeo and Juliet just before
Its all that traces figure 8's as I sleep
In the arms of the fairest
The catcher sends her though
To me alone in evil
Protection she gives
As my nightmares drip from thy eyes
A hand at which holds but our sanity together
Fears slowly die
Monsters are soonly slayed
In the arms of sister the pain goes away
A twin she may be
Older she seems too me
Protect me she does
Help me she will always
Save me from all
Gone she will never be
Only by inches is she far
2 minds but as ours connected
Thoughts crossed
Vision now too
But yet we are to be only 2 Notebooks full of our life stories
And every single worry worried
Tears and smiles fill the pages
If something were to ever happen it would still stay
The Living Dead Girl
&
The Checkered Rose
Krissy
&
Jazzie
But I hath seen the fairest Romeo and Juliet just before
Its all that traces figure 8's as I sleep
In the arms of the fairest
The catcher sends her though
To me alone in evil
Protection she gives
As my nightmares drip from thy eyes
A hand at which holds but our sanity together
Fears slowly die
Monsters are soonly slayed
In the arms of sister the pain goes away
A twin she may be
Older she seems too me
Protect me she does
Help me she will always
Save me from all
Gone she will never be
Only by inches is she far
2 minds but as ours connected
Thoughts crossed
Vision now too
But yet we are to be only 2 Notebooks full of our life stories
And every single worry worried
Tears and smiles fill the pages
If something were to ever happen it would still stay
The Living Dead Girl
&
The Checkered Rose
Krissy
&
Jazzie
Published 1st Oct 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 889
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Your imagery is very, very scattered - don't worry, I suffer from the same issue some days but work on that as an improvement point.
In The Arms Of A Sister
Poetry in my blood it may be (Maybe : In my blood poetry may be, - It makes more sense.)
But I hath (have) seen the fairest Romeo and Juliet before
Its all that traces figure eights as I sleep (When did you get from seeing R&J to sleeping? Take the reader with you.)
In the arms of the fairest
The catcher sends her though (Who's the fairest, R&J or your sister? And who is the Catcher? Did you me 'through' not though?)
To me alone, in evil.
Protection she gives
As my nightmares drip from thy (my) eyes.
A hand (No need for the extra) holds but our sanity together
Fears slowly die
and monsters are soon slayed
In the arms of sister the pain goes away
A twin she may be
Older she seems too (to) me
and protect me she does
Help me she will always
Saves me from all
Gone she will never be
Only by inches is she far
2 (Never use numbers if you can avoid them, spell them out so say 'two') minds but ours connected
Thoughts crossed
Vision now too
But yet we are to be only two Notebooks full of our life stories
And every single worry worried
Tears and smiles fill the pages
If something were to happen it would still stay
The Living Dead Girl
& (And)
The Checkered Rose
(Proof read as if you are an outsider to make sure a reader can comprehend. Also proof read grammar and if you need some assistance feel free to PM me your work and I will give you honest, blunt feedback.)
Good luck.
In The Arms Of A Sister
Poetry in my blood it may be (Maybe : In my blood poetry may be, - It makes more sense.)
But I hath (have) seen the fairest Romeo and Juliet before
Its all that traces figure eights as I sleep (When did you get from seeing R&J to sleeping? Take the reader with you.)
In the arms of the fairest
The catcher sends her though (Who's the fairest, R&J or your sister? And who is the Catcher? Did you me 'through' not though?)
To me alone, in evil.
Protection she gives
As my nightmares drip from thy (my) eyes.
A hand (No need for the extra) holds but our sanity together
Fears slowly die
and monsters are soon slayed
In the arms of sister the pain goes away
A twin she may be
Older she seems too (to) me
and protect me she does
Help me she will always
Saves me from all
Gone she will never be
Only by inches is she far
2 (Never use numbers if you can avoid them, spell them out so say 'two') minds but ours connected
Thoughts crossed
Vision now too
But yet we are to be only two Notebooks full of our life stories
And every single worry worried
Tears and smiles fill the pages
If something were to happen it would still stay
The Living Dead Girl
& (And)
The Checkered Rose
(Proof read as if you are an outsider to make sure a reader can comprehend. Also proof read grammar and if you need some assistance feel free to PM me your work and I will give you honest, blunt feedback.)
Good luck.
1st Oct 2011 9:03pm
1st Oct 2011 10:06pm
thanks for the feedback:)
this was originally a text to my friend Annie
she suggested uploading it
this was originally a text to my friend Annie
she suggested uploading it
4th Oct 2011 4:49pm
I like it I think your very able at expressing your feelings *thumbs up*
love to see more of your writings keep it up :D
love to see more of your writings keep it up :D
4th Oct 2011 5:04pm
19th Feb 2012 2:26am
19th Feb 2012 10:36pm
