The Suicidal Paradox

When you think of cost-effeciency when you aren't making a lot of headway,
it is a lot cheaper to society and yourself if you didn't live at all.

So why would you force your existence on a system that you are not benefiting?

Is it societal investment?

And yet you want to exist anyway. Even if it's not fair to the people around you.

So what do you go with--

your hunch that you'll be able to pay people back for your dependency or your current analysis and projection for your returns?

It's stupid. God made everything about me stupid.

I'm still a free-loader.
I shouldn't be alive because I never earned that right.

But I still want to be alive anyway.

That's cheating.
I should be starving or freezing to death or finding scraps.
But I'm still at home. It's stupid. It's pitiful. And I don't even have the nerve to stop being a burden.

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow and do anything else to people who deserve more.

But I always wake up.

God is someone else's. He never gives me what I should have. Punish me. Smite me.

God doesn't judge me because he's not my God. He's someone else's.