It's Hard.

Fat.
 
That’s what I’ve always seemed to be.
 
I was that “big girl”
 
I couldn’t find my happy medium
I either ate too much
Or too little
 
I was scared
Scared that I wasn’t appreciated
That I was just pitied
Because of my size
 
I lost a couple pounds, went down a few sizes here and there
All I got was praise
I don’t think anyone really realized  
I actually needed to be saved
 
I’ve been treated like some sort of saviour
And I don’t understand why
Because if I keep it up
This could easily take my life
 
I remember one time a girl approached me on the street
And told me she wanted to be as thin as me
She had no idea that I looked this way because
I didn’t eat for weeks
 
I feel like I’m going to choke
On my own accomplishments
It seems like I’ll just throw it up
Like everything else I’ve ate
 
I’m proud that I can fit into  
A teeny tiny dress
But I’m ashamed of how I did it
This wasn’t to impress
 
I just wanted to feel in control for once
I feel like I’m in a downward spiral of negativity
And I can’t do anything  
It’s out of my hands
 
It’s difficult to look in the mirror
And it’s hard to deal with breakdowns
On the bathroom floor, curled up and in tears
Because I’ve gained a pound
 
My parents say they’re proud of me
My friends say they are too
If only I felt the same way like everyone else
But it seems like no one has a clue
 
But I guess that’s just how it goes
No one really notices or cares about this stuff
Until you're hospitalized or dead
 
People say they envy how I take up little space
And it just breaks my heart
Because I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone
Believe me, it’s fucking hard
 
It’s hard to be me.