Bargaining with grief ...

She tries her best to bargain with grief. She can't hide from it, or put  in a drawer to deal with later. It's like a hangnail that won't be left unattended. If you pull wrong, my god does it hurt. But then you almost relish that pain for a few moments because it takes away from the pain crushing every part of your being. It reaches out and grabs you when you least expect it. While you're driving, walking, shopping. When she sees a couple hand in hand, and hers are empty. When a song comes on the radio. Or, for no reason at all.  A ball in your throat, so hard to swallow. Grief has no boundaries. It wrenches at your mind, heart and soul. She  wants to put a brave face to it, but that's a lie. It is a lonely journey. One she knows she has to face on her own, no matter how debilitating at times. It is a daily struggle of holding on and letting go. She tries to find solace in literature, quotes, others who have been dealt the heaviness of unexpected loss. It does help on some level knowing you are not completely alone. But yet, you are. It is an individual journey. A learning of what to do with it. Where to put it. How to reason with it.  It is a web of breaking and then repairing oneself. There are no set rules. She just has to let it be, and drown in it for another moment in time.... then pull herself back to the surface.