THE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.

"He left me there all alone
Body aching to the bone
Lying there in a pool of blood
Covered in grass, dirt and mud
Flashbacks playing through my mind
Eyes half closed as I was almost blind
I peered at my clothes all tattered and torn
‘Why was I here? Why was I born?’

I lay there crying curled up into a ball
I wanted to die, wanted to end it all
I wanted to close my eyes, forever sleep
To slip into a sleep so dark and deep
I felt so calm, felt no fear
Wished that death was somewhat near
I prayed silently ‘Please God take me away
And if at all possible, take me today
This is the only way out for me
You must be able to feel and see?
I’ve had enough, suffered too much
Every part of me is painful to the touch
I want to escape, I want to be free
God by your will, let it be
Please God if I close my eyes tight
Take me before the clock strikes midnight’

My insides felt like they were on fire
Pain so acute, intense and dire
My head pounding, bleeding, throbbing
I just lay there for hours weeping, sobbing
I felt so helpless like a trapped fly in a web
Felt like I was dying, felt my life beginning to ebb
I just lay there staring up at the ceiling
Flesh torn, battered and peeling
I turned onto my side, the pain was searing
I had also become hard of hearing

I pulled myself up using the window sill
Legs swaying everywhere, I couldn’t keep still
I staggered, hobbled, walked with a limp
Who was this pathetic wimp?
I dragged myself to the kitchen sink
Turned the tap, ran a drink
Couldn’t go on living in despair
I went to the cupboard as I knew what was there
I shook out the polymer coated pills
There were plenty for my ills
Counted them all, there were twenty-four
That should be enough for the chore
Those were the pills that helped John get to sleep
Pills I knew I wanted to keep
Because that wasn’t the first time that I had wanted to die
But I bottled out every time I gave it a try

So many years of torture and pain
Heavy, black clouds always followed by rain
There were more days than not when I would always cry
Days spent frequently questioning ’Why, oh why?
Why was I so weak? Why wasn’t I strong?
Why was he right? Why was I always wrong?’
Oh the bastard, why couldn’t he see?
I did my best to make him happy
Why did I stay and suffer the abuse?
Why did I stay when he said I was of no use?
Kept me on a tight lead, kept me near
Filleded me with alarm and fear
Had to do as I was told
Kept muzzled, my words controlled
Controlling me with his temper and fist
He truly was a pig and a chauvinist

I ignored the lack of love and romance
Was sick of giving him chance after chance
Always turning the other cheek
Mentally gagged, forbidden to speak
Being his servant, his own little minion
Never allowed my say or give my opinion
He had to prove he was superior
And I as a woman was inferior
His attitude of male superiority
Was degrading and derogatory
I was at an all time low
But my commitment to him I had to show

Every day following the same routine
Wake up, follow commands, cook and clean
Seeing to his every need first
Feeding him, quenching his thirst
To the kitchen sink I seemed to be always chained
Barking his orders, he had me well trained
Like a caged animal held in captivity
Hoping one day he would set me free
Hoping he would no longer control my destiny
But that decision was now up to me
There was only one thought going through my head
The thought that I was better off dead
I lay on the floor, rested my head
No glass, no ropes just pills instead
I was praying if I did it right
God would take my soul that very night

I tipped the pills in my hand
‘Please God try and understand’
I looked at the pills they were round and brown
Took a handful and swallowed them down
The pills were tiny yet stuck in my throat
I wondered if I should leave a suicide note
I decided not too and swallowed ten more
Lay my swollen body upon the cold floor
‘Goodbye cruel world, I salute you goodbye
It’s been so hard and trying but I gave it a try’