Empty Glasses and Nostalgia Soaked Dreams

Who ever thought I would look back on winter fondly?
crop tops and leggings
and trying to find new friends
and new boys to pine over

I started wearing the choker after
magnolia
I remember the cold
and refusing to wear a jacket
we saw pizza in the tree next door
and pretentious post-teens experimenting with fishnets

the bathroom door was broken
and I held it shut
while my friend disappeared while I waited
this was your chance to awkwardly find me, glare into my eyes like I could tell you something you'd been longing to hear
your touch
longing to share anything,
the start of an adventure not anything like I thought

I haven't seen you in months
and I forgot your scent by now,
something I probably shouldn't of remembered so long anyways;

the seasons have changed while you were gone
and so have I,
yet the thought of you returning makes me remember I am a moth and you are a butterfly
a moth is close but not the same
we aren't the same
we aren't anything
you make me like the winter
you make me want to be better
so much better
but I am not
and maybe I never will be.
-
All I am is something that never was but almost wanted to be
and sometimes in the spaces when I'm offered weed in the cramped quaint trailer
or driving home on the back roads between my house and anywhere,
I remember you
I long for you
I hate myself for it
I hate everyone for it

I listened to "Cutting my Fingers Off", by Turnover
and I couldn't figure out why I got so excited
hearing the far off reverb of Austen Getz's voice trail into oblivion
while I sat on my grandma's porch in the memorial day fog;
and then,
 I saw myself in the passenger seat singing along to it
while trying to figure out to get to your house while we wander the parkway

I met you for the first time that night

I started over that night

but now all that's left is empty glasses

and nostalgia- soaked dreams