Across the River

I was lost and alone, wondering in the dark. I came to the banks of a river. The water ran swift and deep and dark. No light shown on the water, clouds covered the stars and moon; just as the clouds of my life had blocked out all light and warmth from the sun. Did this river symbolize my life? The water was dark and the life within the water was cold blooded, just as my soul felt. It felt as if I had been in this dark place all my life, was almost comforting. But I missed the feel of sun on my skin, the feel of a soft breeze through my hair, the scent of rain in the air. I missed living but I was lost and all that was in front of me was this lifeless river.
I sat on the bank of this river for a time, staring across the wide expanse, trying to see the other side. It was an almost useless task to see across, just as there was nothing in my life to guide me through each day, there was nothing across the river for me to see. So I sat and stared and thought. Thought through the years of my, wondered where my time went, where I lost me along the way. There were bright spots in my life, in my past, I wasn’t always in darkness. I had hopes and dreams once, my mind would catch glimmers of those every once in awhile. I clung to those glimmers when they shot through my life. But for now there was nothing to hold on to.
I searched again across the river and something caught my eye. It was something small and shimmery, almost as if my mind was conjuring up something to trick me. It flitted and floated between and behind the trees. As if it were taunting me, teasing me. Was this a trick? Was this the way the river feeds, to lure people to its banks and lure them into the water with the hopes of making it to the other side?  I knew this river wasn’t peaceful nor would I find the answers to all my questions here but this is where my life had led me. This light was glowing on the other side, it looked so warm and inviting and promising. Within this light I knew I would find all I was looking for, all that was missing from my life. The light danced and shimmered before me across the river, on the breeze was a sound. A sound so sweet and heartbreaking it made me want to weep with joy for hearing it. In this soft breeze were words of love, kindness, joy, hope, honesty, respect and warmth. All the things I was missing and searching for was waiting across this raging river for me. I was scared. I walked for what seemed like miles in both directions looking for a way to cross the river. I couldn’t find a bridge or shallow spot to cross. Just as everything else in my life it was hopeless. I was doomed to sit here on my side of the river and cry and watch helplessly as the light taunted me.
After a time, I decided it was time I shook off my sadness, my alones and cross the river. If the river was determined in its never changing course through my life then I have no choice but to dive in and try to swim across. I knew the light was an illusion and I wouldn’t make it across but I had to try. I couldn’t sit here a minute longer and wait for the river to swallow me. If there was the slightest chance that this magical light was for me I had to take the chance. Something about this light called to more than just my heart, it reached deeper into my soul, made promises with its shimmering. This was no taunt, this was a challenge, one that I would accept.
I undressed and walked into the water. It was so cold but not as cold as I had been most of my life. Further out into the water I walked. I could feel the strength of the river pushing against my body. I was determined to cross this river or die trying. That light was waiting for me on the other side. I had to keep going. My first strokes into the river were strong and swift and carried me far. The water felt smooth here, I felt no push of the current against me. My mind begin to believe I could  do this, that I could reach the light. Nothing in me wanted more than to hold this light so I swam further into the river. The water began to run faster here in the middle, the current stronger. I could feel it trying to pull me under and I was getting tired. My arms and legs felt so heavy and I wanted to give up and let the water pull me under and into its icy depths. Maybe in those depths I could find peace and hurt no more. I wanted to rest and was just about to stop and give into the tiredness when the breeze reached me again. On that breeze was the promise of everything I needed .  That promise gave me the strength to fight my way against the never ending current of the river. No matter how tired I was I couldn’t give up, I could see the light clearer now. I was getting closer to the other side. The light was brighter and more defined. It still shimmered and danced between the trees but it wasn’t a taunt. It was a promise, it was joy, it was life. I finally make it to the other banks and crawl my way out of the freezing water and up onto the grass. Strangely I didn’t feel cold or wet. I looked down in wonder to find myself dressed in fresh clean dry clothes. On this side of the river there was life. There were trees with birds chirping, and flowers bloomed in spots on the ground where the sunlight filtered through the leaves. I looked about in awe, what was this place? I looked behind me and the raging river was still there. Did I drown? Is this heaven? Funny I don’t remember going under the water, maybe I am still on the other side sleeping and this is a dream. Then the light was before me. But it wasn’t a light, it was him holding something in his hands. The man then spoke to me. We sat in the soft grass and talked. He told me he wasn’t the light, the light was always mine and that he had found it and had been waiting for me to come claim it. I was bewildered because I didn’t remember him. He laughed his deep husky laugh and told me that he had been there for awhile in the background of my life waiting for me to see him. I told him I was scared to find him, that I wouldn’t know what to do or who to be and that I have been lost and alone for so long. He said not worry that no matter where I went I wouldn’t be alone anymore that he would get lost with me and we would find our own way through life. I told him again that I was scared that I wasn’t used to not being alone that I had grown used to the dark. Again he told me that I wouldn’t have to be that way ever again and held his hands out towards me. In his cupped hands was this mystical magical light I had seen before. He told me it my light and for me to take it. Slowly I reached out my arm and with a trembling finger touched the pulsing light. In that one moment, everything around me stopped. Nothing moved, animals were still, the breeze stopped even the sun seemed to dim. It scared me, I tried to pull back from the light but it was now wrapped around my finger where I had touched it and was winding its way up my arm. My eyes closed and I began to cry as the light wound its way around my body and into my soul. I felt whole again. I felt the sunlight on my skin again. I felt the breeze tickle my skin. I opened my eyes to a whole new world. I dropped to my knees and wept. He knelt down next to me and wept with me. I asked him why he did this. He said to me that if feel sadness so does he, if I feel joy so does he. Don’t you see, don’t you understand, we are one and you are not alone anymore. I looked at him and smiled and thought to myself, so this is love; true, deep, love. Not a love that constricts and binds but a love that frees ones self to the joys and wonders in life. I looked back to the river but it was gone and in its place was a tiny small shallow stream. He saw me look and told me that was the past and before us has just to be built and we would build our landscape together. He took my hand and raised me up and said to me I love you, I cannot promise our landscape will always be bright and sunny but at least we won’t be alone.