I Mastered One-sided Conversations by Being Ungrateful

 
 
I suppose it was just a bad day.
I guess I'm just tired.
We all have days like that, right?
...
I have them more often these days.
It's the same thing, over and over again.  
Up and down, up and down...
...
...
It's just that it gets harder, you know?  
The crawling back up part.
So I guess maybe I'm asking for a little help.
Something.  
Something to hold on to because this is rough and I really am tired.
And it hurts.
It's not supposed to be this hard.
I wouldn't think so.
You aren't supposed to put more on us than we can bear, right?
I can do all things through He who strengthens me?
I can't even take care of my kid.  
I'm in here hiding in the bathroom and someone else is out ther-
...
I'M HIDING IN THE FREAKING BATHROOM!  
I'M A GROWN WOMAN CURLED UP  
IN A BALL UNDER THE FREAKING TOILET!  
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING HERE? HUH?
WHAT IS THIS TEACHING ME?
WHAT VIRTUE IS THERE IN THIS?
I MEAN HONESTLY?  
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO JUST NOT WAKE UP?  
PLEASE!
STOP WASTING THIS ON ME!
I AM USELESS HERE!  
THEY DON'T EVEN WANT ME HERE, THEY TELL ME EVERYDAY!  
EVERY FREAKING DAY!
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE!  
I DON'T ASK FOR ANYTHING! ANYTHING, EVER!  
CAN YOU JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?  
CAN I BE SELFISH FOR ONCE?  
LET ME BE SELFI-
"Mommy will be out in a minute baby, ok?"
...
...
It is selfish.
That's a lot to put on him.
He didn't ask for this.
He wants me.  
He needs me.
And he really is amazing.  
So precious.  
And I don't think they'd tell him I tried.
...
...
I'm going to bed.
I suppose it was just a bad day.  
Maybe I'm just tired.  
...
I'll try a little harder tomorrow to be grateful.