Enlightenment

I'm supposed to be going back on the meds
or... med, as it turns out
i said i felt a storm in me
it's their job to stamp it out
i've no idea if i'll comply
it's been so long without them
i don't like myself brain fried...
but perhaps what they say is true
that you can't do it on your own
at least not long...
 
but..
 
If that's true, then why have i made it six year?
six fucking years without aid.  
without therapy, counseling, medication
how did I get myself off meth
off cocaine, off heroin?
if i am unable to keep myself clean
why are there no fresh scars on me?
why are my arms finally clear?
 
But..
 
if i'm bound for relapse regardless
does that mean all of my accomplishments are hollow?
does that mean what gives me pride is false?
am i truly as worthless
as weak and useless as they deem me?
am i truly delusional?
is it too much to be my own god?
to strive to better myself?
 
For years now, the left hand paths have guided me
they've shielded me from stupidity
indulgence, not compulsion
compassion until betrayed
self before the whole
to make the whole greater still
stronger through my added strength
inspire others to strengthen their Whole self
alone in a pack together
 
or...
 
as they say, "just alone"
am i destined for nothing
save for medicated oblivion?
are my goals merely fantasies
pipe dreams to be forever unobtained?
or are they lying to me again
forever trying to pry currency
money i've bled and worked for
from my hands to fuel themselves?
 
regardless..
 
i've been on it before
and like any addiction
(that's what it is)
i can kick it.  
I can use it for myself.
I will gain footing again and jump
not stumble
i will use this setback for myself
create a new person to be born again
I will rise from the ashes of myself
once more searching for illumination
 
for ENLIGHTENMENT