therapy:television stations

television stations.

that's what my life is like.
one minute I'm happy next minute I'm dead inside.

"tell me about your childhood"

getting up in the middle of the night to race downstairs & watch cartoons when mom said to be asleep by 11
heart racing cuz I wanna watch tv but have to constantly check around the corner

"how did you feel? when you got older..."

scared yet excited, I woke up at 3am, sweating!
I felt so damn confused,
I was in love yet felt violated...

"& why was that?"

well why do you think?
Going through puberty and practicing celibacy and monogamy subtly all at the same time
"How?"
I never really had sex with them.
you ever questioned yourself, wanting to kill yourself, wondering if you slit your wrists, what the weather would be like?

"why the weather?"

why anything else? I was at the bathroom sink, I filled it up to see my reflection.

"why not just look in the mirror?"

to see all my imperfections? mirrors show you you're dead, water is full of life

"ah then what?"

I wanted to see what else was on, girls gone wild, I want some reality. Got into boys and then I got all messed up, got into drugs, got into drinking and then everyday I was throwing up.

The documentaries even messed me up.

I see white girls shooting up. Then they showed me how to shoot up, and why they shot up then what happened when they shot up and at the end they got up and ended up in church

And if you didn't have cable that's probably where it stopped.

And if you did have cable you probably kept going until your heart stopped.

Everyday it's a new substance.

My mom said choose a channel and stay on it.