What is wrong with my head?

This past year has been a difficult one but you got me through it.
So why do I push you away?
So much stress has corrupted my brain that I can't function and
I lash out in defence at imagined slights and imagined injustices
Of which you have no clue what I mean or to what I refer.
I sink further into my abyss and retreat,
Uncertain what I need to say to make you see I still need you and want you.
We used to smile and laugh and play the day away,
But now I sullenly sit, face buried in my tablet trying to seek order.
To be the best.
To make someone proud of me.
To be congratulated on my successes.
To work within a set of rules that remain unbending with everyone on the same playing field.
I know I should be content with what I have but I always seem to screw it up.
You retire to your room and as always, nothing is wrong when asked.
Stress and depression are contagious.
They get in through a mental wound and fester.
The pus forces to a head but I cannot lance it as it boils over.
No cerebral poultice to draw the foulness from my brain that I know of.
I just want to be happy and want to make you happy but my anxieties won't allow it.
I scrutinise and agonise and deflect my shame as blame.
I'm a weak failure.
I'm a failure as a boyfriend and as a lover.
A failure as a son to my mother.
A failed husband and father and a financial wreck.
How can I fix what's wrong with me when all I know is how to be who I am?
Can't even commit enough thought to my poetry to make it appear structured, let alone rhyme.
I just seek contentment as I'm sure you do as well,
But instead I dwell in a miniature personal hell of my own creation.
My demons drag me back down whenever I try to ascend the walls.
Must I really sacrifice all my treasures from the past to rid myself of this curse?
I need to do something before I lose all I have and hold dear.
I need a hand and for you to understand that whatever you think, I still love you.
I want you to be happy.
I need you to be happy.
If you aren't content I cannot settle my mind.
Failure to make you happy triggers my descent and my spiral down.
Please try to understand and lower your hand to me one more time before all light is lost.