Sleep

This is random. most likely doesnt make sense.. But it does to me. Help if you can tho.
I havent sleept for days. Five hours for the past week, seems like not enough.
I cant figure out why, whats wrong that I cant..
When I do get to sleep, I hate the dreams I have. They are terrible. Blood and sacrifice, people I love being hurt and disapearing.. I dont understand at all. When I was a little girl, I had some very fucked up, messed up things happen to me. My mother told me she hated me, wished I was never born, that i was the reason for her pain and thats why she was so messed up.. Of course she was strung out on coke at the time, but none the less it fucked me up in the head. I was raped at the age of ten. I never told anyone until i was 14. My step mom said i made it up for attention. She didnt believe it. She thought it was bullshit. I sometimes wish it was. But it makes me stronger and talking about it, for some reason makes it feel better. Like because Ive learned to not let it hurt me and get to me and make me struggle even more then i did, it makes it okay. But really it doesnt. it really messed me up,
but the dreams that ive been having, have to deal with this.
my mom, all strung up, in the back ground, and this man, the one from my past, coming after me. Trying to hurt me, and in the dream i'm a kid. but theres a door and when I go threw it, I me again. I cant think of what the hell it means and why its all coming back now.
I wish I could just sleep for one night, dreamless. I wish I could just think about one thing at a time. stop thinking about every little thing going on in my life and stop. not think at all. that would be nice.
I used to wish I was never born, like my mom said. Maybe things would have been different if I was born someone else. If I had different parents. Ifs arent getting me anywhere.