deepundergroundpoetry.com
War
We are kept awake
by police helicopters
and women screaming
in the street.
Packs of hooligans
chant for the blood
of passers by.
We are all here
in this dull war.
Unaware of it,
yet still tortured by it.
There is one impossible cure:
We realise
that we are in it
together.
by police helicopters
and women screaming
in the street.
Packs of hooligans
chant for the blood
of passers by.
We are all here
in this dull war.
Unaware of it,
yet still tortured by it.
There is one impossible cure:
We realise
that we are in it
together.
Published 27th Jun 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 0
comments 11
reads 1514
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Jun 2011 5:15pm
A very profound poem that came to life for me when I hit "in this dull war". I mentally argue back and forth over the the relative grandiose or "glamorous" nature of the opening, but appreciate its necessity for the completeness of the poem. Not really sure what I would do differently though.
27th Jun 2011 10:10pm
Glamorous! I have always refused to dress things up. The helicopters are a regular thing around these parts. Every one with two testicles has decided they're equipped enough to be mafia!
27th Jun 2011 10:55pm
Glamorous was perhaps over-stating it a bit. I could try another analogy but that might not work either. The opening of the poem is like an episode of TJ Hooker, where the rest of the poem is like Law and Order. Yeah, see, even that's not quite right either.
Oh well, I guess it matters not since I don't have any useful suggestions. Carry on.
Oh well, I guess it matters not since I don't have any useful suggestions. Carry on.
"yet still tortured by it" - i would change that line to: "yet still it tortures us", only for the repetition of the 'it' at the end.
otherwise, i really like the span of this scale, not too big, not too small, smooth switch into humans' natural connection. not too profoundly (to me), just like looking through a camera lens at something chaotic and changing focus to something, beautiful, almost serene, that's not so far away. nicely done. [:
otherwise, i really like the span of this scale, not too big, not too small, smooth switch into humans' natural connection. not too profoundly (to me), just like looking through a camera lens at something chaotic and changing focus to something, beautiful, almost serene, that's not so far away. nicely done. [:
27th Jun 2011 10:11pm
Thank you kindly. I appreciate the suggestion, but I think the repetitive simpleton approach fits with the moronic substance. I would potentially consider dropping 'by it' to its own line and capitalising 'it,' but hmmmmmm.
Anonymous
27th Jun 2011 7:07pm
<< post removed >>
27th Jun 2011 10:12pm
Anonymous
28th Jun 2011 3:50am
If only more would realise what you do in the final verse. This belongs to your breed of angry, nihilistic but vaguely hopeful poems which lash out at life's pathetic side, the idiots, the scum, while trying to hold true to a fragment of promise. Great stuff.
29th Jun 2011 3:08am
30th Jun 2011 9:18am
The poem almost brings tears in my eyes and the hardcore subjectivity is very well handled. The last stanza is like a sudden jerk to the sleeping world and us. Deeply moved and I will remember this for a long time.
30th Jun 2011 9:46am
Aggressive, as it needed to be in my opinion, but strangely peaceful in the use of adjectives. Nicely done, JT.
