My Sorrow, Your Pain

Stunning. This really kicked in for me 'If my weeping on your shoulder,
ever made the colors
of your silken, lilac blouse run.'  Beautiful. I wasn't sure about the second stanza it felt a little wish-washy. I like how the third doesn't personalise her other than assuring us it's a her by the blouse. Maybe fiddle with the first two lines because the rest of it really does step it up to a different level of begging and need on your part.

Huzzah for critical feedback. Thank you!  That gives me something to work with.  I have to admit that although I have strong emotions to call upon for this, I worked on it in a rather off-handed way, and I feared that might show.
 
Still, the good thing is that it becomes an opportunity to write a better poem.
 
Thanks again!

very nice. clean cut like a friggin diamond. and touching on a primal level at that

Thanks... maybe a diamond in the rough, if I'm lucky!

better than an empty rough i always say

This one I like. A lot. I feel every word. I've felt this way many times. It's great

Go bee I'm liking you ;)

Now you're making me feel bad.  I'd better get reading a ton of your poems!  ;) I will reciprocate promise, but it's Friday afternoon and I'm brain dead.

As before thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it and I'm honored that you enjoyed this poem so much.

No need half of my work is rushed, and just rushed lol.. And I have over 81 lol

This is my first time reading your work.  I can appreciate this piece.

Looks like you have a good deal of followers.

Great job.

You make me sound like Charlie Manson.  Nope, no followers, not me! :)  (I paid them to comment)  ;)

Thanks for taking the time to read my work, and to comment.  I appreciate it.  I hope you find some work of mine you like. :)

I realized I added this to my reading list without commenting (tsk tsk, shame on me). :P

I agree with LA in terms of that bit being absolutely stunning. I also agree that the only stanza that might benefit from a little tweaking is the second.

I'm not sure about this, but maybe *drown, instead of *drowned would make it sound more fitting. Because the first is in present/future tense, and the second stanza switches to past.

Again, I'm not sure about that. But this is beautiful.

:]

I'll let you off this time!  However, if you add any of my poems again, I'll be sure to come a knockin. [wink]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.  I guess from the reactions and comments so far this poem has some merit and definitely deserves a revision.

I was interested to see your comments about the past/present tense. I hadn't considered it might be read that way.  They should all be in the past tense e.g. if I had done x, (in the past) that caused y...

What would make the first stanza past tense? "casted"?  :S

Anyway, your point is well taken.  Thanks again for your comments.  I guess peer pressure dictates this must be worked on some more! LOL

Seriously though, thanks everyone for the comments. I can't improve a poem if I don't know what needs improving.

Yes, I think 'casted' would sound better. :]

I'm gonna have to call the grammar police on that one, I'm not sure!  lol

Nice piece, DB. Am I missing a subtle point, or should 'feint sobs' be 'faint sobs'?

Thank you sir, that one slipped by me (probably by a feint).

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Poems make you think, remember, and this one made me feel. I really like how the title tells of hardships on both sides. Well done, DB.

Thanks for your kind words.