Hopeless, Hopeful Nightmare

I have walked this beaten path
a thousand times since that week.
Over and over in my dreams.
Enter through the front door,
cut across the lobby,
straight to the stairs.
Go up one flight to the next floor.
Get off, take a seat and wait.
And wait…
And wait…
Doors open on the right from the stairs.
ICU opening for visitors.
Take a deep breath,
steel my nerves,
I have to be strong.
 
Walk down the hall
Turn left into ICU
Take the first right passage
and find the corner room
on the left with the glass window
and the stranger in the bed
who’s pretending to be my daddy.
Hooked up to so many machines
that it seems impossible that it can
do any good, serve any purpose…
 
Listen to the sounds -
The artificial sucking/hissing noise from
the ventilator helping him breath precious air
the peep peep peep from the heart monitors
and peep peep peep from the blood pressure monitors
and other noises of so many other pipes and machines
I don’t know the function of
the cold clamminess of his skin beneath my hand
the nurse making endless notes
that mean absolutely nothing
 
My blood rushing through my veins,
My heart beating in my chest
Trying to escape…
Thinking that I would gladly give
My air…my blood…my heart…my life
If I could just save him.
 
And then I have to leave again
Back tracking my steps.
Following the same endless cycle
in an hopeless attempt
to hold on to him.
Knowing that if I can ignore
the memory that is etched into my mind
and my heart and my soul
of that last day,
I would willingly repeat this
same passage up and down
over and over
for as long as I live.
Because in that cycle I still had hope
that he would open his eyes
and tell me he love me
that I’m his little girl, always.
That he is proud of me
while he hold my hand in
his big, scarred comforting gentle hands.
Making me feel save and loved and
always protected just because he is there.
Erasing the moment he left and all I
could get out was “bye daddy”…
 
So I close my eyes and relive the journey.
Enter through the front door,
cross the lobby and go up the stairs.
Turn right and follow the passage
to the door on the left, enter and turn right.
A few more steps down the hall
and on the left
in the room with the glass window
lies the stranger
pretending to be my daddy...
 
 
30 April 2011 
23h55
 
Mis jou pappa...